Social Engineering for Language Learning

[Carmody]

I love learning and reading French however I realize it comes at a cost of time spent with my spouse.

Do people have ideas re how to learn languages and not have people around them feeling hurt by the amount of time it takes?

[rdearman]

The approach I have taken is basically the weekend is my families time. I don't study or do anything which conflicts with what they want. I do read or do flashcards or whatever if they are off and have left me to my own devices, but I never schedule anything. This means I get less complains when I am doing things "on my time".

[Speakeasy]

Carmody, you have raised a very important issue, although I am not sure that you can “socially engineer” a solution to your problem (this sounds eerily like the “Stepford Wives”).

When we get involved in a relationship which, by its very nature, implies a deep commitment and the spending of a lot of time together, whether we devote a significant amount of time and energy to language learning or to any other activity (e.g., pursuing a university degree or a professional qualification through evening classes, heavy involvement in tournament sports, passing a great deal of time with our pre-relationship buddies, et cetera), we incur the risk of damaging our fundamental relationship, perhaps not mortally so, but at least there is a risk of doing it some degree of harm.

There are more temptations in life than we can possibly handle. The "ancients" of numerous cultures advise that we attempt to strike a level of “balance” between our family commitments and our urges for stimulating experiences which can only be enjoyed outside our fundamental relationships. Easily said, but not so easily done!

Frankly, I see a risk in posing this type of question to members of a group who share your specific passion. This is not a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, the members of this forum are not seeking to be reformed and to be reintegrated into their previous (non-language-learner) lives. No, they share your passion and some of them may even share your problem! So, I would tend to be wary of, and perhaps even discount, any advice or comments to the effect that you are not being selfish and that your spouse needs to be more understanding of your need for personal development. I would counter such arguments by saying that you both need to be understanding of the other’s need for personal development.

Suggesting that you get your spouse involved in your language-learning activities (by sharing “our” passion for language-learning, we’ll become closer together) is as simplistic as it would be futile. If your spouse has not already shown a deep interest in your outside activities (which she might deeply resent because they compete for your attention), then making such a suggestion would only inflame what is perhaps a delicate situation.

Relationships go through phases; at times, couples need to spend more time together; at others, they need some distance. However, relying on our partner’s patience and understanding while we indulge ourselves has its limits. And yet, striking the “proper balance in life” can be quite difficult.

I do not think that there are any “tricks” that you can learn here; in any event, I cannot offer you any. The fact that you are concerned about the situation is a sign that you want to maintain a healthy relationship. My advice? Talk to your spouse about it. She might be very supportive and, then again, she might express a surprising level of suppressed resentment to your language-learning activities (because they rob her of your attention). Finally, should you feel the need, seek professional counselling.

EDITED:
Stepford Wives.

[Xenops]

Or you could be like me, and be antisocial.

[zenmonkey]

Finally, should you feel the need, seek professional counselling.

That escalated quickly. I'm sure it isn't bad advice in some situations.

Personally, I try to share, and end up driving some language learning commitments in others because I've made it necessary - moving or traveling or because my comunity lives across languages.

But certainly spending 2-4 hours alone time when my partner is expecting social attention is difficult - I don't do it. I fit my learning time mostly to where family is busy or not present (I did do an LE yesterday with my daughter sitting next to me. Not that comfortable...)

Languages often come second to people time.

[PeterMollenburg]

I find that (thanks to my wife’s suggestion and encouragement to do so) including French in my family interactions with our kids has been a major plus.

Right now, leading up to another French exam, I’ve got more time (or at least understanding) for lengthy daily study than perhaps in other periods, but my wife’s always been incredibly understanding, very willing to help me reach my goals and knows that it means a lot to me (not that her goals don’t matter, i’ve never stood in the way, i’m just more determined day in day out perhaps than she might be), I’ve just got to keep it in check and do my best to kill two birds with one stone - reading stories with the kids benefits everyone.

I have been known to watch the same thing on Netflix as my wife. While she watches it in the original language, i’ll hook up my phone, run the same program through the app, set the language to French, put in the headphones and while listening with the headphones, I’ll watch on the same TV as my wife, just with the French audio in my ears. This is a possibility if you use Netflix and watch TV together (and both languages are available as audio options).

You could also read the same books together - one translated into your TL while your partner reads the other or you could read the original in your TL while he/she reads the translated version into her language.

If you exercise on your own, of course there’s always the possibility of listening practice. Same goes for commuting to work and back.

I think if you work full time and have a relationship in which you spend even a couple of hours together each day, you have to get super smart (i.e. efficient) with your time and always be considering moments in which you could be learning or gaining exposure without intruding on your together time.

It’s definitely tricky and learning languages and taking that learning very seriously takes a lot of time, but it doesn’t always have to be alone time, although some does help. Constant reflection is definitely required while maintaining a healthy relationship.

[Carmody]

1-I have been happily married to a wonder full wife for over 32 years and I don't foresee any marital discord due to language learning, etc. However since we all have to develop strategies, I thought I could learn from others who are so much more advanced on language learning.

2-I am grateful for everyone's guidance on this topic and find that I am already incorporating many of the strategies that people have written about.

3-It remains a total mystery to me how so many of the polyglots here manage their own personal social engineering but I guess they do it successfully. I congratulate them wholeheartedly.

Thanks so much for your time and guidance on this topic.

[Speakeasy]

Finally, should you feel the need, seek professional counselling.

That escalated quickly...

I added the "seek professional counselling" advice because the OP appeared to express concerns about how his language studies might be adversely effecting his marital relationship. My own concern was that, even if there were a professional marriage counsellor hidden somewhere amongst the LLORG membership, I do not believe that a language forum is the correct place to deal with difficulties on such intimate issues. It must be a generational thing of mine.

[Lianne]

I took the easy solution and married a fellow introvert. When we're both at home, we spend part of the time together, and part of the time apart. I work on my French, read, watch documentaries about Mesopotamia, etc., while he plays video games, reads, watches documentaries about the US Civil War, etc.

[Carmody]

Lianne » Tue Sep 17, 2019 3:14 am
I took the easy solution and married a fellow introvert. When we're both at home, we spend part of the time together, and part of the time apart. I work on my French, read, watch documentaries about Mesopotamia, etc., while he plays video games, reads, watches documentaries about the US Civil War, etc.

Me too. We are surprisingly similar. I like language learning and Civil War and my wife life likes reading scifi, Romance, and photography.