Need some polishing for a paragraph

Ask specific questions about your target languages. Beginner questions welcome!
learningchayse
Yellow Belt
Posts: 81
Joined: Wed Feb 13, 2019 6:34 am
Languages: Chinese(N), English
x 8

Need some polishing for a paragraph

Postby learningchayse » Thu Mar 14, 2019 11:58 am

Hello, everyone. I am practicing writing. Need proofreading and polishing for the following paragraph.


"The truth is, even astral travellers, seemingly rock and rule transcending time and space freely, they were rarely born with this sort of power fully formed, they devote their time diligently to it and routine their way to go beyond."

Please correct anywhere that sounds wired to you.
Especially the last bit. what i want to express is that those astral travellers they actually practice in the concept of time to go beyond time. but i don't know how to express it simple but nice.

Thank you!!!!^3^
0 x

User avatar
Deinonysus
Green Belt
Posts: 429
Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2016 6:06 pm
Location: Boston
Languages:  
• Native: English
• Advanced: French,
   German
• Intermediate:
   Esperanto
• Beginner: Icelandic,
   Italian, Hebrew,
   Japanese, Spanish,
   Danish, Indonesian
• Dabbled: Xhosa,
   Korean, Russian,
   Irish, Yorùbá,
   Hungarian
Language Log: https://forum.language-learners.org/vie ... hp?t=10237
x 1052

Re: Need some polishing for a paragraph

Postby Deinonysus » Thu Mar 14, 2019 1:39 pm

I have no idea what "rock and rule" is supposed to mean; I've never heard that phrase used before and it sounds odd. Also, "routine" is not commonly used as a verb. Other than that, the only mistakes you make are mistakes that native speakers might make when they try to write flowery prose but don't have much writing experience. So good job!

You have a run-on sentence between "freely" and "they". You also use some unnecessary phrases that don't add to the meaning. Another issue is that you don't structure the text in a way that shows the contrast between the expectation that astral travellers are born with the ability, and the reality that they need to practice; it looks like they are just separate thoughts strung together. Here is how I would write it:

"Although astral travelers seem to transcend time and space freely like they were born with the ability, few can achieve this power without careful study. They must devote many years of diligent work before they are ready for the journey."

Also, I think you meant to write "weird" instead of "wired".
3 x
עברית
: 25 / 90 Pimsleur Hebrew
: 29 / 100 Assimil Hebrew
: 59 / 420 Duolingo Hebrew

Deutsch
: 5 / 55 Barron's German - 55 Essential Verbs

English
: 1 / 30 30 Classic Novels

learningchayse
Yellow Belt
Posts: 81
Joined: Wed Feb 13, 2019 6:34 am
Languages: Chinese(N), English
x 8

Re: Need some polishing for a paragraph

Postby learningchayse » Thu Mar 14, 2019 2:22 pm

Deinonysus wrote:I have no idea what "rock and rule" is supposed to mean; I've never heard that phrase used before and it sounds odd. Also, "routine" is not commonly used as a verb. Other than that, the only mistakes you make are mistakes that native speakers might make when they try to write flowery prose but don't have much writing experience. So good job!

You have a run-on sentence between "freely" and "they". You also use some unnecessary phrases that don't add to the meaning. Another issue is that you don't structure the text in a way that shows the contrast between the expectation that astral travellers are born with the ability, and the reality that they need to practice; it looks like they are just separate thoughts strung together. Here is how I would write it:

"Although astral travelers seem to transcend time and space freely like they were born with the ability, few can achieve this power without careful study. They must devote many years of diligent work before they are ready for the journey."

Also, I think you meant to write "weird" instead of "wired".


Thanks for your opinion and advice!
I will do some search on "run-on sentence". but still unclear about how to express the "they actually practice in the concept of time to go beyond time" bit.
0 x

User avatar
eido
Blue Belt
Posts: 933
Joined: Tue Jan 30, 2018 8:31 pm
Languages: EN (N), ES (B2), others
x 1498

Re: Need some polishing for a paragraph

Postby eido » Thu Mar 14, 2019 2:35 pm

learningchayse wrote:but still unclear about how to express the "they actually practice in the concept of time to go beyond time" bit.

For me, there's not enough context in the bit that you wrote for me to further expand on it. If it were longer, I could give more advice. Perhaps you could describe what you're trying to get at* more?

*trying to say
2 x
"He's satisfied with himself. If you have a soul you can't be satisfied."
- Graham Greene (given to me by @reineke)

learningchayse
Yellow Belt
Posts: 81
Joined: Wed Feb 13, 2019 6:34 am
Languages: Chinese(N), English
x 8

Re: Need some polishing for a paragraph

Postby learningchayse » Thu Mar 14, 2019 2:59 pm

eido wrote:
learningchayse wrote:but still unclear about how to express the "they actually practice in the concept of time to go beyond time" bit.

For me, there's not enough context in the bit that you wrote for me to further expand on it. If it were longer, I could give more advice. Perhaps you could describe what you're trying to get at* more?

*trying to say



What I am trying to express is a contrast that astral travelers are those who practice skills to transcend space-time, which is a breakthrough in this time-based linear world, yet practice is time-consuming. so what they do is using time to transcend time.
And that is why I said they "devote their time" to "go beyond time". I don't know if "go beyond time" makes sense....
0 x

User avatar
eido
Blue Belt
Posts: 933
Joined: Tue Jan 30, 2018 8:31 pm
Languages: EN (N), ES (B2), others
x 1498

Re: Need some polishing for a paragraph

Postby eido » Thu Mar 14, 2019 3:11 pm

learningchayse wrote:What I am trying to express is a contrast that astral travelers are those who practice skills to transcend space-time, which is a breakthrough in this time-based linear world, yet practice is time-consuming. so what they do is using time to transcend time.
And that is why I said they "devote their time" to "go beyond time". I don't know if "go beyond time" makes sense....

"Go beyond time" makes sense, it's just a little literary. Like @Deinonysus said, this snippet of writing suffers in that it tries to be something it isn't. A lot of newbie writers make that mistake. (Trust me, as a hobbyist writer, I know. If you want your audience to understand your piece, you have to use the simplest words that will describe your intent. Don't use "purple prose" [a technical term used by writers to mark writing as flowery without a purpose].)

If I had to write your bit using my understanding of it, I might say:
"The truth is, astral travelers seem to rule time and space, as they transcend it. Such people are born in rare circumstances, especially those with powers able to use at full capacity and breadth of capability. They devote their time to training them as well as going so beyond the reaches of space-time as their abilities will allow them."

What I do when I write in a foreign language is I look for the precise definition of a word in that foreign tongue and try to match it up to a concept in my native one. In this case, I think the usage of "even" was incorrect as it seemed to come out of nowhere, so I removed it. It seemed like a "Chinese-ism" -- I often see speakers of East Asian languages using this intensifier incorrectly because it's used in a different way in their native tongue but they think it means something close in English. However, I think more context is still something that should be included here, because my conclusions could be completely off base.

And please know, I'm no great writer. I just tried to preserve the intent which I perceived the piece to have.
2 x
"He's satisfied with himself. If you have a soul you can't be satisfied."
- Graham Greene (given to me by @reineke)

learningchayse
Yellow Belt
Posts: 81
Joined: Wed Feb 13, 2019 6:34 am
Languages: Chinese(N), English
x 8

Re: Need some polishing for a paragraph

Postby learningchayse » Thu Mar 14, 2019 3:33 pm

eido wrote:
learningchayse wrote:What I am trying to express is a contrast that astral travelers are those who practice skills to transcend space-time, which is a breakthrough in this time-based linear world, yet practice is time-consuming. so what they do is using time to transcend time.
And that is why I said they "devote their time" to "go beyond time". I don't know if "go beyond time" makes sense....

"Go beyond time" makes sense, it's just a little literary. Like @Deinonysus said, this snippet of writing suffers in that it tries to be something it isn't. A lot of newbie writers make that mistake. (Trust me, as a hobbyist writer, I know. If you want your audience to understand your piece, you have to use the simplest words that will describe your intent. Don't use "purple prose" [a technical term used by writers to mark writing as flowery without a purpose].)

If I had to write your bit using my understanding of it, I might say:
"The truth is, astral travelers seem to rule time and space, as they transcend it. Such people are born in rare circumstances, especially those with powers able to use at full capacity and breadth of capability. They devote their time to training them as well as going so beyond the reaches of space-time as their abilities will allow them."

What I do when I write in a foreign language is I look for the precise definition of a word in that foreign tongue and try to match it up to a concept in my native one. In this case, I think the usage of "even" was incorrect as it seemed to come out of nowhere, so I removed it. It seemed like a "Chinese-ism" -- I often see speakers of East Asian languages using this intensifier incorrectly because it's used in a different way in their native tongue but they think it means something close in English. However, I think more context is still something that should be included here, because my conclusions could be completely off base.

And please know, I'm no great writer. I just tried to preserve the intent which I perceived the piece to have.



Thanks so much! makes a lot of sense.
the use of "even" might be weird without more context. I'll try to give you more.
The writing is about "practice".
Before the paragraph, i wrote things to elaborate on the point that there are no shortcuts in terms of practice unless you are an astral traveler who might be able to download skills from a parallel you.
Then comes this paragraph with the word "even". Not sure if it is incorrect here. But it seems good with this word removed as you suggested.
0 x

User avatar
Deinonysus
Green Belt
Posts: 429
Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2016 6:06 pm
Location: Boston
Languages:  
• Native: English
• Advanced: French,
   German
• Intermediate:
   Esperanto
• Beginner: Icelandic,
   Italian, Hebrew,
   Japanese, Spanish,
   Danish, Indonesian
• Dabbled: Xhosa,
   Korean, Russian,
   Irish, Yorùbá,
   Hungarian
Language Log: https://forum.language-learners.org/vie ... hp?t=10237
x 1052

Re: Need some polishing for a paragraph

Postby Deinonysus » Thu Mar 14, 2019 3:55 pm

"Go beyond time" can work, but it's too vague to stand alone. You need to explain what exactly what it means in your universe. You could say something like, "any fool can learn to move backwards and forwards through time with the right technique, but only a true master can go beyond time."

And then you will need to explain what there is beyond time. Other dimensions? Other universes? The ability to reshape timelines? Once you explain this, your readers will understand what "beyond time" means.

One thing I forgot to mention is that you should read Strunk and White's Elements of Style.
1 x
עברית
: 25 / 90 Pimsleur Hebrew
: 29 / 100 Assimil Hebrew
: 59 / 420 Duolingo Hebrew

Deutsch
: 5 / 55 Barron's German - 55 Essential Verbs

English
: 1 / 30 30 Classic Novels

User avatar
Kat
Orange Belt
Posts: 115
Joined: Sat May 19, 2018 9:33 am
Languages: German (N), English (advanced), Dutch (intermediate)
x 220

Re: Need some polishing for a paragraph

Postby Kat » Thu Mar 14, 2019 4:05 pm

Maybe to "go beyond time" is supposed to mean "to overcome time"?
I'm not a native English speaker, so I could be completely on the wrong track here.
1 x

learningchayse
Yellow Belt
Posts: 81
Joined: Wed Feb 13, 2019 6:34 am
Languages: Chinese(N), English
x 8

Re: Need some polishing for a paragraph

Postby learningchayse » Thu Mar 14, 2019 4:14 pm

Deinonysus wrote:"Go beyond time" can work, but it's too vague to stand alone. You need to explain what exactly what it means in your universe. You could say something like, "any fool can learn to move backwards and forwards through time with the right technique, but only a true master can go beyond time."

And then you will need to explain what there is beyond time. Other dimensions? Other universes? The ability to reshape timelines? Once you explain this, your readers will understand what "beyond time" means.

One thing I forgot to mention is that you should read Strunk and White's Elements of Style.


Okay. I kinda know what you mean. And thanks for the recommendation. Am I that advanced to read this? :lol: :lol: . I mean I am just a newbie who wants to write my thoughts that would make sense to people and hopefully do it simple and nice.
0 x


Return to “Practical Questions and Advice”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: rdearman and 2 guests