Tea With Tarvos - Tarvos' Log 2019

[tarvos]

I got myself some extra books, some the sneaky way through a friend, some I bought (among which a Chinese graded reader). But first I must finish Le lis et le lion. Because I'm like that and don't like leaving unfinished books lying around.

They're changing my meds, so perhaps this will help with me not feeling like the back end of a donkey.

[tarvos]

Wow, it's been a week since I posted here. Bad girl!

I've completed that French book I mentioned earlier, and watched some more episodes of 少年四大名捕， but that's about it I'm afraid. The past three days my depression has been so horrible I've had to resort to suicide helplines and we're mostly figuring out how I can take care of myself without having to resort to cutting or unsafe methods of dealing with my mood swings and the horror I am going through right now. I also completed an (almost entirely written) Icelandic blog post about skirts, but since that was written weeks ago it's not new.

I bought a Maria Dueñas book to read in Bratislava during the conference downtime. I'm interested to find out whether my health will actually allow me to go because right now my stress and panic levels are so crazy that leaving the house is actually an ordeal. I hope that with the med changes this will all turn out ok. But I am pretty sure you are all not surprised to know that there's no real language learning going on right now.

On top of that, the government is supposed to pay me social benefits and being extremely slow about it, so I have no money either and will be forced to borrow off my parents. Basically all the horror is converging on me and language learning has zero priority at the moment. I'm sure you can forgive my improductivity as caused by illness. But everybody's really worried, including me, because I am very close to the edge at the moment.

[eido]

I hope you feel better, tarvos. I don't know what it's like to deal with depression, but from what you describe it sounds scary. And not having any money while dealing with it is even more so. My words probably mean nothing, but I hope things improve.

[zjones]

I know this might not mean much coming from a stranger, but you're not alone! Panic attacks, anxiety and depression suck, they really do. I'm super proud of you for managing your mood swings in a healthy manner, that's tough to do when you're already feeling low. Don't know if this helps, but I like to remind myself that my low moods always come in cycles. If I'm at a low point, I won't be there forever. Anyway, hopefully the change in meds will be positive for you, and you'll be back to baseline in a short while. I hope you feel better soon.

[tarvos]

My mood swings have a very hormonal cause (trans woman here). And the cuts on my arm tell a different story. But I'm trying and yes, I'm in therapy and all that. There's even a young lady that comes to my house every week to help me with all the stuff that's necessary. Actually, I've suffered from anxiety before (a few years ago was rock bottom) and that was even worse. I went on antidepressants (still on 'em), and it went better, but then HRT came and screwed up my mental stability big time.

So I don't know how healthy my coping mechanisms really are.

[Lawyer&Mom]

Hormonal mood swings are the real deal. I have PMDD, pre-menstrual disphoria disorder. I get depressed during the back half of my menstrual cycle. I’ve had good results with a combination of anti-depressants and hormonal birth control, but I still feel down the last week of my cycle. Which is right now. So, I’m extra scattered and non-productive.... And sending you my prayers, good-vibes and best wishes. I’m sorry it’s hard now, and I hope it gets better for you soon.

[tarvos]

I hope you feel better, tarvos. I don't know what it's like to deal with depression, but from what you describe it sounds scary. And not having any money while dealing with it is even more so. My words probably mean nothing, but I hope things improve.

Not everyone has depression the same way. Some catch it once for three months and recover for the rest of their lives. Others suffer like bastards all the time. I'm somewhere in between the two, but mine comes with massive anxiety. Depression can be mild, and in that case it's usually treatable fairly quickly, but there's also more complicated cases. How scary it is just depends. In my case, it's pretty scary. But this also isn't the first bout, and that's usually a horrible sign.

[tarvos]

The past week I've barely left the house and not gone in to work (yes, it's that bad). So the only thing that I have been able to do really is watching a Chinese TV series called 少年四大名捕. This was pretty good for my Chinese vocabulary and perhaps I should try to start reading my Chinese graded reader tomorrow.

Turns out that lately I've just wanted to do Zhongwen, so that's what I am doing right now. Not that I am doing anything in any structured manner right now, but even the bits here and there that I do passively by watching dumb series can help in the future. And I definitely don't speak absolutely horrible Mandarin, but it could be better (although people seem to think I am C1 in Mandarin or some shit... I wonder what drugs they're taking, I want some of that.)

I'm going to try and sleep now. I've spent most of today in bed. (I actually didn't get dressed until 5 pm).

[BOLIO]

I just wanted to say, while I have read what seems to be 100’s of your posts over the years, I had never read your old log...until today. http://www.how-to-learn-any-language.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=30913&PN=4&TPN=1

Thatt was the greatest log I have ever read. I am in awe. You conquered Russian in 24 months. As you being a Dutch / English native, that is even more incredible than the Mandarin feat you pulled off later. Never mind the other languages. The best part was the back in forth between you and Mapk. Wow. You encourage me. I had been struggling as to which language to start next. With my Spanish, Portuguese made sense but I truly cannot say my heart is there. My heart has always been with Russian and have absolutely no reason for this other than I think it is beautiful and exotic and I really want to be able to speak it. If I could do in five years what you did in two, I will be ecstatic.

Not to sound morbid but I want to live long enough to freely speak English, Spanish, Russian, Mandarin, Portuguese and Korean. While tomorrow is promised to no man if I can get 25 more years of study, I will like my chances. I am feeling good about the English and Spanish.... Russian calls me like a siren in the night. I Do not fear her.

Thanks for documenting your efforts. I really do appreciate it.

BOLIO

[shandra]

I had never read your old log...until today. 189 Amazing Pages of tarvos' HTLAL Log
That was the greatest log I have ever read. I am in awe. Wow. You encourage me.
Thanks for documenting your efforts. I really do appreciate it.

I've just begun to read it: it is really inspiring.
The old forum hides many treasures.
Thanks tarvos for sharing your learning experience
And thanks BOLIO for linking it here