I have already taken a year out when I changed from A-level to IB. I haven't even worked up the courage to tell my parents about possibly taking another year out redoing a couple of subjects. I'm hoping to remark a couple of my subjects. I am really close to the next/higher grade in about 4 of my subjects and ridiculously close to getting an A for my TOK.
French. I got a 5. I barely did any work in Biology yet I got 5 for that. I put tears, sweat and blood and I got a 5. I'm comforting myself by telling myself that at least it's better than what they predicted me which was a 3/4. But that was one of the grades that hurt the most. I know it's my speaking that dragged me down and (potentially although less likely my writing).
I applied to do Politics as a major and French as a minor. I might even drop that. Some part just wants to delete French from my life and start fresh with another language.
I compare French to an arranged marriage (As I never chose to study French. It was the only language available to me in my school and I liked learning so I went to it). I've tried over the years to make it work and I even grew to like French and appreciate certain aspects and I thought that maybe I was making a breakthrough and unlearning some habits that I picked up from others. (I'm always bitter about the complete lack of time spent on pronunciation at all when I first started learning and allowing the class to develop this mangled heavily Anglicised French and all the fossilised mistakes I am trying so hard to unlearn but I'm really angry at myself for not being more proactive about my education). But now it feels like someone who spent all this time trying making a rocky marriage work
French has been a language where I've had to actively seek out ways to enjoy it. But I don't derive that much joy for French in itself.
It's mostly out of pride that I've studied/been exposed to this language for too long for me to give out on it and the desire to be fluent in another language other than English. I had the most fun with French when I was watching American cartoons dubbed to English and being able to communicate to someone in a foreign language. But then I listen that it doesn't have to be French for me to do those things.
I've always been way more interested in Spanish and Brazilian Portuguese (in terms of European languages that I want to learn). If I was given the choice about which language I would wanted to learn, I would have chosen one of them if not both. There have been Spanish dramas that I've binge-watched and loved. I've never experienced this for any French TV show. Don't get me wrong there are many French books and films that I love and would like to be able to read and fully understand. If I'm being completely honest, my favourite European movie is actually from Brazil and Brazilian Portuguese is the main language spoken there. I find Spanish/Brazilian Portuguese to be easier to pronounce and I don't have any terrible pronunciation habits to unlearn.
I like French accent in terms of when French people speak French but I am neutral that the sound of the French language but I can listen to Brazilian Portuguese for hours on end and I just adore the sound of the language. When I'm having to hunt for French language-exchange partners on Italki, and I have to ignore the Brazilians who message me wanting to improve their English, I always feel a rang of 'if-only'.
The French language exchange partners that I enjoy talking to most already have a good level of English and we spend more time speaking French than English anyways.
I'm trying to remember why I'm learning French and what I like about e.g. some of people, films and books and podcasts. But I mostly want to crawl into a ball and listen to Sufjan Stevens on repeat and trying not to cry.