nothing serious here

[reineke]

Yes, and the baby's gonna be just fine....

[Skynet]

We are almost always our own worst critics. As I said, we members here don't really know each other, but from what you've shared on the forum and how you give back to others who want to learn a language... what you have accomplished in the language-learning field (many members here would love to be able to express themselves in their TL's as well as you do in English and French)... all while going to medical school (a task in itself that is all consuming), you are one of the people here I most admire. You are an exceptional person, Cavesa. Keep your head up. This too shall pass. The rest of your life is ahead of you.

I agree. We are always our worst critics. Cavesa has inspired me tremendously in the 5 weeks that we have been in communication. I assure you, you have made a huge impact in my life, and in those of others. Before I "met" you, mastery of two foreign languages AND balancing medical school was utterly unfathomable! Now, I quite literally always tell myself, "If she did it, so can I!" Don't ever sell yourself, and your contribution to people here and in your "real" offline world, short! You are such a gem!

Starting from the end of the post -- yes of course you will be able to accomplish things again, do interesting things. I don't know if it is a woman's problem, a high achievers problem, or a problem for people in general but there are phases in life that feel impressive to you, that you're proud of, and phases that are less so.

I am not a woman, so I cannot comment on that...but I feel that high achievers (especially the ultra-high IQed ones) are prone to this. Eventually, the marginal utility of subsequent successes declines, and the person feels (incorrectly) that they are not as productive/effective as they were before. This is something that I still struggle from, and counter it with finding a new, tangential passion that will pique my interest.

I can assure you we are all impressed with you and proud of you for sticking it out when it's hard on so many levels.

Agreed! We're extremely impressed!

There's no reason to worry that it isn't moving fast enough or spitting out fantasy reviews fast enough. That's what happens when you stick around long term.. and really I think most of us probably read your log too feel like we are checking in with a friend or kindred spirit more than to asses your accomplishments since the last update.

Cavesa is just so special! REALLY SPECIAL! I don't have sisters, but I can imagine that she would be like her: ambitious, determined, encouraging of others and genuinely loving!

Cavesa, I am not advocating for hedonism, but cut yourself some slack and release yourself from the shackles of undue, self-imposed pressure and that which has been imposed on you by your family.

[Elenia]

I had a long message all typed up, but really there is not so much to say except, it will turn out okay. I'm not successful by any traditional standards, but I'm happy and I get to do what I want. I've worked as a supermarket cashier and as a shop manager. I've been financially secure enough to save a third of my earnings and still have ridiculous (for me) amounts of money to spend and poor enough that I considered buying clothes that I needed a luxury. You have a strong skill set, even if it doesn't feel like it. I personally think that you'll ace your final thirty days, but even if you don't, you will still have a lot to show for your years of hard work, and that won't go unnoticed. If you go into medical practice, or not, you definitely have all you need to succeed. Finally, feeling numb is unreasonably awful- but it does, indeed pass. Even if it feels like it doesn't, and it won't, there will be an end to it.

[patrickwilken]

I'm thinking of giving up. As a way to "motivate me", my parents always depict me my life as a supermarket cashier if I give up.

I think now is not the time to worry about what you want to do with the rest of your life or how much you've achieved over the last few years.

Obviously, you should finish your last thirty days of school. After you finish you should take a breath and think about what you want to do. Perhaps you'll never use your medical degree, but you will have completed something you set out to do, and in the long term that will make you feel better about yourself. Even if you fail the exam, you'll feel better than if you give up just before the end.

The end of my Phd was also super-stressful. I had to fly to the US to start a job and had to submit my thesis before leaving. I literally was printing out the thesis at 3am before getting on an 8am flight to Los Angeles. Twenty years later I don't use my degree at all, but I am very glad I was able to stick with it and finish.

[petr]

I'm thinking of giving up. As a way to "motivate me", my parents always depict me my life as a supermarket cashier if I give up.

My parents used to threaten me that I would have to work as a digger if I was not studying hard. So I got my BA and MA in economics. At the university I enjoyed the first two semesters but then I felt an increasing dislike to further study which evolved into a pure and profound aversion and despair just before the final exams. I have not studied abroad, so I can not compare, but studying at the university in Czechia was based on memorizing the facts vomited by the teacher onto the students and parroting it back during the exam. But once I started to work and was able to earn a decent wage, everything has changed for the better. So I wish you good luck in mastering the last stage of your studies. After you will have overcome this last obstacle in your medicine adventure, new possibilities will open for you, and everything will be alright.

[Cavesa]

I've started answering this wave of support and encouragement several times. I froze every time. It is not easy to tell you how much did your kind responses (here and through messages) help and how much I appreciate and value You. It is a miracle I've met such a group of friends on an internet forum!

Yes, the ambitions are a problem. I do not look down on people doing less prestigious jobs, I admire them for going on a not easy path. I am a firm believer that every job can be done well or badly, depending on the person and doing a job well is always an achievement. But I wouldn't be happy that way. I don't even know whether there is such a thing as succeeding and being happy about it for me. I was supposed to be much better than I am at everything and I simply don't fit that plan at all. I also have a nasty habit of comparing myself to others. And given my background, that means comparing myself to people well above the norm. It is kind of sad actually and something I am trying to unlearn

The reason discouragement by lack of recent language learning successes and not reading enough is not any lack of external validation though (even though it always feels good, we all know it damn well). It hurts being unable to do something you love and something that is an integral part of your personality. I've always been the Reader. And I miss it.

Ani, I hope I'll get those kinder eyes of age one day. But it is hard to imagine them. You should know you are one of my great sources of inspiration and hope.
Rdearman, your marathon analogy is so true and enlightening, thanks! And for lots of good advice there.

I'm not here to win the bloody marathon, just to complete it. It doesn't matter if people pass me, my goal is to get to the end."

My problem: "I'm not here to win the bloody marathon, I am here to run it through the wilderness and prove everyone it can be done."

Tarvos, you never cease to amaze me. You are so right. Living one's own life should always be the priority. But sometimes, it is just too hard not to look around and just leave everyone and their happiness behind.

renaissancemedici:Thank you. No wonder Greece is one of the main roots of our civilisation.
Iguanamon, thank you. So much praise almost makes me blush! We'll see what I turn out to be. WHO has never crossed my mind actually, but who knows (that is probably the worst pun in the anglophone world of healthcare, I know)
Skynet, you've really made yourself a noticeable part of this community in such a short time! Thanks for all your encouragement. But you should be warned that having a sister like me comes with the downsides, my siblings could tell

Elenia,it is so awesome to have you around again! You always know what to say.
Patrickwilken, I cannot give up. I'll try to keep fighting till the end, till the 3am before my flight. It looks like your experience could turn into a new saying. To fight till 3am.

Petr, a digger sounds scary too. I don't have the abilities required for such a job. Not even a golddigger. But it is curious the experience with the czech universities is s similar in such different fields. The thing is that an economy degree opens the doors. The medical one closes them, unless one flees the country.
..................................

What has been happening in the last few days: perhaps I should split this post in two and continue from here

[Lawyer&Mom]

I’ve been the young person forging their path and the grown-up looking back. It’s hard to believe you will find your place in the world, but you do, because there are so many places you could fit and one of them, a good one, will find you. But you won’t regret the anguish and the effort because that’s what will get you there. So don’t worry, it will all work out, but you can’t know that yet, so don’t worry about worrying, and the worrying is part of the journey. You are doing it right! Forge on!

[Cavesa]

Thank you, Lawyer&Mom. Who knows where I'll end up. The only problem is, that I am not that young anymore. I was supposed to be already settled in a good place by now. I really hope I will look back proudly one day. But is more difficult to imagine that than to imagine travelling through the galaxy in my own spaceship.

So, what has been happening:

I am postponing the exam. I have serious reasons for it (I was wondering coming to the exam like "hey, these are my symptoms and none of the textbooks I've consulted talks about this, I have considered all that, what did I miss? ). The worst part is the bureaucracy. So, I may get an opportunity to postpone the exam and fulfill the conditions for this somehow. But when you are too ill to come to an exam, you are supposed to bring a paper from your doctor about it to the examiner on the day of the exam. Logic

But I am studying for it. There seems to be one method that makes me at least realise what I am reading. Who knows whether it makes me remember stuff, but it makes me really see the content and not wish to throw the book through the window instead. Translation. I am translating the textbooks from French to Czech. This way, the content must flow through the brain in some way, because there is no other way from the paper book, through my eyes, and to my fingers on the computer keyboard. Let's see whether it works. My dad is a saint btw. He came with this idea and has been supporting me in every way possible.

I escaped to two tv series in Spanish. Blade and Incorporated. Neither has season 2 unfortunately. Blade is great. Not too original but still a superhero and I enjoyed it. Incorporated is better. A postapocalyptical version of not too distant future. Sure, some part of the plot are predictable but it is still a good show, the characters are not bad, and the season 2 would have been the real pleasure to watch (if it wasn't cancelled). Incorporated is also filled with tons of useful language. As we've been recently discussing the dubbed series in a different thread, I'd like to say that Blade is neither bad not stellar for a language learner. But Incorporated is a jewel. So much useful language, and it sounds very natural.

I did one of the fun level tests online and was told my Spanish was C1. Funny. It was mostly thanks to the test (multiple choice, just grammar), but it showed some of my weaknesses really well. I should get to Kwiziq again at some point. Perhaps during the winter.

I did only 8 minutes of German. Duolingo. Yes, it sucks. But the great news: My boyfriend has started French Duolingo! Who knows how it will go on, perhaps he'll get to some better resources etc. But the most important part is him having actually started. It means he has faith in me and my ability to get us to France. Now I "just" need to do that.

And I got a few Italki credits for giving feedback as one of their PR people was asking (a new person there, who came with the idea of looking outside of Italki in the language learning communities for new ways to advertise). What is even better about it: they said they had sent those notes to the team designing new functions and changes to the site. So, perhaps we'll be getting more informative teacher profiles and more filters and my feedback will have played a tiny part in that I am gonna spend my credits on some conversation practice. No idea what language though. I've been thinking about Spanish.

Italian: I thought I had made a very funny mistake while singing a new aria. Not exactly. The notation is difficult to read, the only available pdf is a scan of a very old print. And it is in old Italian, so some of the visible spellings are not contemporary Italian, which makes deciphering stuff and guessing the unreadable bits even harder (and nope, listening to someone singing it on youtube doesn't clear all the doubts, sometimes it makes new ones) So, my teacher and I though there was: So d'amore d'uomini, come si fa. And I accidentally sang: So a domar uomini come si fa. . And now I am looking at the libretto and the second version is there! Rossini and Anelli really had a sense of humour.

[Skynet]

Yes, the ambitions are a problem. I was supposed to be much better than I am at everything and I simply don't fit that plan at all. I also have a nasty habit of comparing myself to others.

Ambition is ONLY a problem when you harm others to achieve your goals. I wish that I was like you in comparing myself to others (because I would be comparing myself to mortals). I compare myself to, well, myself...because I am the only sentient AI that I know

Skynet, you've really made yourself a noticeable part of this community in such a short time! Thanks for all your encouragement. But you should be warned that having a sister like me comes with the downsides, my siblings could tell

Alas, you sell yourself short again! You'd be the ideal sister because you have the drive to do whatever it takes to rule the world.

a digger sounds scary too. I don't have the abilities required for such a job. Not even a golddigger.

This is the funniest thing that I have ever read on this forum.

The medical one closes them, unless one flees the country.

Speaking in a Gandalf Greyhame voice, "Run, you fools!"

[reineke]

I'm thinking of giving up. As a way to "motivate me", my parents always depict me my life as a supermarket cashier if I give up.

My parents used to threaten me that I would have to work as a digger if I was not studying hard. So I got my BA and MA in economics. At the university I enjoyed the first two semesters but then I felt an increasing dislike to further study which evolved into a pure and profound aversion and despair just before the final exams. I have not studied abroad, so I can not compare, but studying at the university in Czechia was based on memorizing the facts vomited by the teacher onto the students...:

Ditch digger and sack carrier here. One of my university professors was a failed medical student. I had to memorize some of my professors' lectures (verbatim, with follow-up questions) but I cannot say that the experience has left me scarred. You'll do fine, Cavesa. Good luck.