nothing serious here

[Elenia]

Cavesa! Have you checked out funkkolleg before? It was mentioned in gsbod's log quite a while ago now, but their previous sessions podcasts (Biologie und ethik) are still available for audio download. Some of the topics seem like they will be of interest to me, so they might be interesting to you too, not sure.

Link.

[Cavesa]

Thank you for the great tips! And encouragement!

And yes, I am struggling too. I am lazy and I suck. Or rather, I am again crumbling because of the overload of responsibilities and duties. I've had a bit more complicated week than usual (stuff to do while my family was on a holiday in Italy and Austria), I've signed up for a huge exam, need another one, and I don't want to give the 6wc up despite being so far behind the plan. I need to pass at least one of the two exams now, or I'll have to stay a student a few weeks longer than planned and I hate every day of being still a student of the nightmare faculty, that is my main motivation. And I could do with German learning too, as my safety net.

I've had an opportunity to speak German a few times! I was excusing my family for being late twice, translating some stuff about a swiming pool and the room keys, and explaining a missed call was not from me (the last one was the hardest). All that on the phone, and noone switched on me!

I know the most reasonable thing would be to ditch everything and just focus on that one ugly exam. But that would only lead to horrible depression and my brain freezing and apathy, I have my experience with this. I hate studying medicine (but I have good reasons to hope I won't hate the job.). I need to mix other stuff into it. I am lucky my high IQ and a bit of well timed luck have been saving me and allowing me to pass despite often studying much less than my classmates. But there is a limit to everything. I need to put in the time now, the amount of stuff I have to learn is huge. And I must avoid worsening my depression and studying efficiently for just 6 hours in the whole preexam week like the last time.

So, 6wc is not an obstacle. If I do it right in the second half (from now on), I could create a synergy between the two things

[Elenia]

I hope and believe that you will strike the right balance

[Cavesa]

My German is horrible, it feels like running in circles, with the Men in Black flashing me with their memory erasing device at least once or twice per round. Every exercise is a mixture of tiny victories (yay, I have a correct answer! what a miracle!) and heavy losses (heh, the same mistake for the hundred and first time).

I really need to review from the start, perhaps even reopening Themen Aktuell 1, the only course I have finished so far, and looking into it again.

There is no point in stressing over it too much. I'll just add some hours to the 6wc, and it doesn't matter they will be mostly reviews of units 1-3 in several courses

But I am not the only one. It looks like German is a resistant beast, leaving tons of false beginners giving up and rising again to the challenge behind. Here's Malach, a new member struggling a bit like me, just better and more consistently, I recommend their log: https://forum.language-learners.org/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=8846

Here's a link to a bad German learning joke: https://9gag.com/gag/aZ3YYZz.

And I don't know who has recenly mentioned it (I think jeff or garyb) that people on the AJATT forums have to put a link to some piece of language learning in every post. I think it is a good idea.

https://lyricstraining.com/de/play/namika/je-ne-parle-pas-francais/HzhbW8n6zz#b7w A really nice beginner song in German.
But I would sing the opposite of the lyrics. Ich spreche kein Deutch, mais n'arrête pas de parler.

[Cavesa]

Sorry about the rant. Feel free to skip this post.

I'm thinking of giving up. As a way to "motivate me", my parents always depict me my life as a supermarket cashier if I give up. But am I really so worthless? I've been building at least the buffer of a few language certificates, fast typing skill, and perhaps a few more pieces, that could be useful. Perhaps that could be worth something, wouldn't it?

Not even life abroad, far from this second rate country is so attractive anymore, nothing is able to motivate me anymore. I don't actually feel much anymore about lots of stuff. Anger was good in some ways, it kept me going. Feeling numb does not. I am definitely not a better person after all those years, quite the opposite. The faculty meant to teach me how to care about people has been turning me into a monster. I am not an exception. Yes, there are people who still leave and go on living and working as good or even great people, but they had had a great foundation and exceptional resilience to evil. But I don't know a single example of a personality developed into a better one thanks to this soul grinder. I know lots and lots of the opposite ones.

I cannot remember, when was the last time I opened a fantasy or adventure book. I've very recently posted a lit of book tips for a fellow French learner. And I realised I couldn't remember. I had to dig for my old booklists and look at the shelves full of wonderful stories I have simply no energy to read even if I could allow myself to try. It hurt a bit. I am keeping at least music, but it is not without costs. I don't work, yet I pay for rather expensive singing classes (my teacher has recently upped the prices and I don't want to go to a worse one, that would be the same as not singing at all anymore. Having to let go is a very real option.). The relationship with my boyfriend is beautiful, but I am afraid it won't stay that way, if I stick to medicine and sacrifice more and more and even more until there is less then nothing left of me. And that is still not the end of the list.

Any short moment resembling interest and enjoyment of the textbook content is crushed by the naked truth of how lost I am. How much there is to revise for a worthless exam at the faculty I hate, so that I can do a job that will most likely destroy me and give nothing back, for people who won't be grateful for it anyways.

I have only 30 damn school days left, if I pass this stupid nightmare exam. Just 30 days left, after all those years of suffering and despair. It's not that much but it feels like 30 years, I've simply stopped believing this would end at some point. They say you are as old as you feel to be. Well, 75 sounds probable. I've been through much more than most people and the stupid medicine studies are just one part of it. Approximately a year ago (it stretched till January actually), the faculty did something to me. I messed up something but only as a consequence of their mistakes, pride, and arrogance. And I suffered for it and it was the last straw. I haven't found any new strength and joy in medicine since and I've just been lying to myself about it at times. I passed a few exams after that point, but I have always had the best possible examiners (the differences between the individuals are enormous at this faculty. There is no objectivity here.), some luck, and I drew a lot from having long term memory of the few things I had learnt before, high IQ, and my ability to improvise. But it doesn't suffice anymore.

Perhaps I should just give up trying to be anything and just go for some easy choice, even the horrible life of a poor supermarket cashier (some of them are actually better paid per hour than young doctors actually anyways, which makes the whole idea absurd). Even my language learning successes are covered with dust. All of them are old, I am just somehow drawing from old stuff. Nothing recent on the list. Nothing at all, no important piece of progress in the last year or so.

Is it worth it? I can't remember the last time I really enjoyed a success. I am failing at one goal or wish after another. My logs are a classical example. Why am I lying here? There is nothing new to write actually. I can't expect to ever do anything interesting again, to show some progress, some consistent and excited effort I used to know just a few years ago. I don't know whether I will recover the ability. I don't know whether I'll ever enjoy having finished a coursebook and finely diving into more interesting stuff again. Or start a project with a real chance of success. Finish an SC. Or simply notice an improvement from one month to another.

I don't know.

[Ani]

Starting from the end of the post -- yes of course you will be able to accomplish things again, do interesting things. I don't know if it is a woman's problem, a high achievers problem, or a problem for people in general but there are phases in life that feel impressive to you, that you're proud of, and phases that are less so. I've noticed sometimes that is a matter of perspective too. My friends and family can often list accomplishments I've had in the very period these feels the most like a failure and they are the sort of things that look better with a little distance. We feel more accomplished when we like what we're doing but that isn't objective reality.
I don't know your whole life but *being* in med school (not all the milestones you're looking at) is an accomplishment on it's own. I promise you when your look back at your life with the kinder eyes of age, you're not going to say "wtf did I do with the year? I didn't even do a double super challenge" no, you're going to say "that's when I was in med school and it was a b***h on so many levels"

One foot in front of the other. Yeah you might fail. Or not. But you can't know until it's over. The extra year is nothing, truly. It feels like forever. I remember just feeling like 4 years of college was so long I'd probably die before I made it through but then one day it was over in the blink of an eye and I couldn't remember why it had felt so long in the first place.

I can assure you we are all impressed with you and proud of you for sticking it out when it's hard on so many levels.

And your log is also wonderful. There's no reason to worry that it isn't moving fast enough or spitting out fantasy reviews fast enough. That's what happens when you stick around long term.. and really I think most of us probably read your log too feel like we are checking in with a friend or kindred spirit more than to asses your accomplishments since the last update.

[rdearman]

I haven't been to med school, and don't know much about what you're doing. But I have completed two marathons and it sure does sound like you've "Hit the wall" as we runners like to say. Since you're in medicine you probably know that the wall is a condition of sudden fatigue and loss of energy which is caused by the depletion of glycogen stores in the liver and muscles.

Regardless of the physical reason for the the wall, it is still there, and you still hit it at some point around the 22 mile (35 kilometre) mark. You have no energy, your legs a numb, your nipples are raw (from the friction of the shirt), your mouth is dry regardless of the water you drink. Mentally you are close to giving up; why bother?

Mentally your brain is constantly doing a cost benefit analysis of what is happening. In a marathon about 18-22 miles in your body has informed your brain you have consumed all the glycogen stores and it now has to get energy from fat or another source which is harder to get. So your brain starts telling you that this effort isn't worth the cost and you need to stop. Our body usually has more to give sometimes our brain purposely holds us back, either because it is trying to protect our body from harm, because we are not motivated enough or because we are perceiving the effort as too much. Sometimes your brain is not your friend.

So I'm going to tell you some tips that got me past the wall and to the finish line. These are all just things I thought about over the course of 5-6 miles to get me over the line.

• "I'm not here to win the bloody marathon, just to complete it. It doesn't matter if people pass me, my goal is to get to the end."
• In my head I just listened to James Brown's song lyrics. This was my mantra, “A mantra is a short positive phrase that often focuses on your motivation to run or your goal for the marathon,” I choose this as my mantra because sometimes you have to "fake it, until you make it"
  Whoa! I feel good, I knew that I would, now
  I feel good, I knew that I would, now
  So good, so good, I got you
• I pictured the finish line, crossing it, my family cheering for me, I could see my wife smiling and waving. (In fact my daughter and nephew came out and ran the last 1/2 mile with me)
• I meditated in the moment. I focused on breathing, watching my feet moving forward. I tried to examine each area of my body. (this is association)
• I focused my eyes about 2 meters in front of me and I ran forward. I stopped thinking about anything except making forward progress. I tried not to think about anything at all, just looking forward head down and getting past the pain.(this is disassociation)

Sometimes you need to associate to get through something, sometimes you need to disassociate. I gave two examples above. Perhaps you are doing one but not the other? Associate with the study, watch every step of it, concentrate on what you are doing, how you are doing it, how long you do it, what it feels like when you do it, where you do it, who you're doing it with, etc.. Or disassociate with it, mentally turn away from it whenever you can, read a book, watch a film, think about unicorns. Or visualisation, think about the cheering crowds at the graduation, think about being given the key to a hospital and told its all yours! Or just play some James Brown in your head.

You've hit the wall, but the wall can be overcome.

EDIT: Tinkering, and linking to James Brown.

[tarvos]

I once hit a wall in my life. Well, actually more than once. My decision was to say the following:

"It doesn't matter what my parents think. It doesn't matter who I ought to be. Eventually, all that will matter is that I am happy, and I can't be happy sacrificing myself for what others think is best for me. I need to be happy, and if that requires me to be poor or work as a supermarket cashier, or a postman, just to pay the bills, then that is how it will be. I know that I am capable of more than that, but there is no shame in doing menial work just to make sure you have bread on the table and toilet paper to wipe your bottom with. In the end, they are my parents, and if they are good parents, they can accept this type of decision without further ado.

I don't have to work in a corporate environment and submit to their rules. It is not who I am. I have worked hard and I have obtained a degree due to pure iron will, but that does not mean I will have to bow down to their social demands. I am who I am. I will do what I want, even though I may suffer financial scarcity.

I finished a degree I never do anything with nowadays. It doesn't matter. It's much more rewarding to do what I do and be happy, although my health puts a damper on everything. I can always take another course, earn money and become an interpreter or anything I want if I put my mind to it. I decided to transition and accept all the social bullshit and ostracism that comes with it because it's who I am and I can't help being the way I am. Nobody will be able to stop me because there's simply no other way I can exist, despite all my existential doubts and fears. Conservatism aids nobody."

I simply stopped giving a fuck what other people thought about my career decisions. None of them have been stereotypically prudent, but they were good learning experiences, and I managed to get a whole load out of it that other people never did; they may have more cash in the bank, but despite all the horror I went through, I am still alive - and they would get a shock just trying to live through what I did.

What do you want? What do you really want to be doing? Figure that out, and go do that instead. An unhappy doctor is a bad doctor.

[renaissancemedici]

I also like your log, but you don't owe anything to this forum anyway. Do whatever you like with languages, who are we to judge.

You can't have successes all the time. I feel we can have milestones that need a long term preparation, which leads to a successful exam etc. It takes time to accomplish something worthwhile, but you know all this. Being a doctor is a wonderful thing: connect to what made you love it in the first place and leave behind you the things that bring you down. Even if everyone else is becoming the exact same thing, your resistance shows that you are not the same.

I understand how you feel about the 30 days, because that's how I felt on the finishing line of my university degree: I thought it would never end. It did. It felt great! Don't give up on the finishing line!!!

Let me share with you the three Delphi sayings that I always have in mind:
-Nothing in excess. (no pride, no desire, no despair, no feeling worthless, no feeling the best... you get the idea. Take a breath.)
-Know yourself. (what do you really want to do? You, not the idealized version of you, or who you think you should be by now)
-Always be excellent. (do the most excellent job you can do, don't try to be the best and think about others, just work with yourself and be excellent)

You are not alone in such feelings, though. I can't believe for a minute you are a monster, going through all this doubt and stress. I think the exact opposite!

[iguanamon]

Despite our closeness here on the forum, we members can never really know each other but I want to share with you some of my experience and some of what I have learned in life. You are nearing the end of a phase in your life and that is always stressful. It's difficult to have perspective when you are within the stress of the situation. Time will pass. You will move on from this phase to the next one, hopefully not being a supermarket checkout person but something more worthy of your talent and ability.

Your time spent in the pursuit of becoming a doctor has not been wasted. That experience will be valuable in anything in life you may which to pursue. People's expectations are that you follow the logical next step and become a doctor, but you can be whatever you want to be. You can work in medical research, business, public policy, NGO's, perhaps even the WHO in Switzerland where your linguistic skills would be quite usefu or something else entirely. A young, intelligent and talented woman such as yourself has her whole life ahead of her. This is your life to live as you see fit and it doesn't matter what others think about your decisions on how to live it.

Whether you choose to remain in the medical field or segue into something else, do what you want to do, what makes you happy and feel worthwhile. Life is short. Our time here on Earth is brief. What would be a waste, to me, would be for you to spend your life doing something that you don't want to do. Perhaps you may choose to be be a physician, or to do something related that doesn't require treating patients or maybe even something entirely different. You have options. Any one that you may choose will be a good one as long as it's what you want to do.

We are almost always our own worst critics. As I said, we members here don't really know each other, but from what you've shared on the forum and how you give back to others who want to learn a language... what you have accomplished in the language-learning field (many members here would love to be able to express themselves in their TL's as well as you do in English and French)... all while going to medical school (a task in itself that is all consuming), you are one of the people here I most admire. You are an exceptional person, Cavesa. Keep your head up. This too shall pass. The rest of your life is ahead of you.