It seems I'm going around in circles again. What follows is not criticism, nor depression, but is analysis, perhaps somewhat comical, as I think being humble about one's flaws is useful if one is to analyse oneself honestly... here goes... No need to provide solutions, but any response is of course welcome if you feel you want to, but as I've tried to 'save' many with the 'truth', I doubt there's any saving me from my crazy circles, they just are
be the matrix?
I wish I had 12 hours a day to study languages.
Recently I posted all these fancy ideas (and fancy=quite good) about how to achieve my goal of C1/C2 in November in this thread https://forum.language-learners.org/viewtopic.php?f=17&t=5037&start=160
and while I think it's not a lost cause I can already see myself changing my mind.
I also fell into the trap of ranting again (see removed posts if you hadn't noticed, and frankly who'd care, it's a bit much, is it not?) and thought I was ranting for good reason (maybe I was?), whatever.
So here I am again going around in circles, my pattern of behaviour is predictable:
I decide to do French only to pass Dalf C1/C2, I devise awesome plans and must follow through by X date of DALF exam
Some awesome people provide awesome advice, which I can never be thankful enough for, again, thanks guys
I am then absolutely (and I intend to, honestly) committed to sticking to it... but...
I then decide it's time to learn Dutch, or maybe change my routine
I do that... but...
I don't really commit to that so well either, or I do then....
I change my mind again because I'm not doing enough French, or not enough courses, or not enough reading, or not enough listening.... there's not enough time!
Then I rant, get into all kinds of knotty situations and attempt to back out of them while waving the flag of a freedom fighter who hides behind the same fears, rules and regulations as the majority of other people and although I want to comply to the rules of the forum, I also don't want to... and although I honestly respect the vast majority of people here (including moderators), I still wind up offending people and/ or pissing people off.
I back out of the rant, look ridiculous, which I don't mind too much, as being humble as I mentioned (and not egocentric) I feel is extremely valuable in coming to terms with one's imperfections and accepting one's reality as opposed to a bullshit ego-painted image of what I think I am, in which I discard the negative properties. No best have an honest picture of oneself. So yeah, I rant...
So then I come up with a new plan... declare I won't make any more declarations, and in doing so have just made another declaration, and I break it soon anyway.... and the cycle continues.
Oh and at some point I declare that my log is done or that I'm outta here and I'm back two minutes later.
Mind you as crazy (this my ego taking a defensive stance) as I seem in every day life, I am certainly one of the more level headed guys around. Believe that if you like, or don't. What's that say for the company I keep?
Solution? Quit my job? Leave my family? Study 12 hours a day. Hell no, I don't care too much for my job, but my family, I wouldn't depart for the world, so obviously that was in jest. Yes Serpent had it right, I should've sold my French courses. I have too many resources I am far too attached to, but like a hoarder (okay my ego does defend itself here again and argue that in the future actual paper French books/courses might not be available anymore or could be dumbed down to the extreme, so best hang onto them!).... hang on.. am I a hoarder? Well only with language learning content, in particular, courses. So, like a hoarder, that I actually am, I hoard language learning materials for rainy days (of insanity/perfectionism).
The solution is perhaps to come to terms with the fact that I am Peter Mollenburg, the fallible French learner who is extremely committed to improving French, holds himself back due to perfectionist tendencies and attempts to learn other languages too. That's okay, welcome to being me
and you know what, my intentions are good
It's all about me you see!
On with the show...