Ani's 2018 Log

[renaissancemedici]

I was going to write to you a lot of things, but then I thought the following poem is appropriate. (Cavafy is always appropriate!)


The First Step


The young poet Evmenis
complained one day to Theocritos:
“I have been writing for two years now
and I have composed just one idyll.
It’s my only completed work.
I see, sadly, that the ladder of Poetry
is tall, extremely tall;
and from this first step I now stand on
I will never climb any higher.”
Theocritos replied: “Words like that
are improper, blasphemous.
Just to be on the first step
should make you happy and proud.
To have come this far is no small achievement:
what you have done is a glorious thing.
Even this first step
is a long way above the ordinary world.
To stand on this step
you must be in your own right
a member of the city of ideas.
And it is a hard, unusual thing
to be enrolled as a citizen of that city.
Its councils are full of Legislators
no charlatan can fool.
To have come this far is no small achievement:
what you have done already is a glorious thing.”


Translated by Edmund Keeley/Philip Sherrard

[Ani]

Ah yes, I know those sentiments very well, and I have come to realise that the best solution is to move forward. It’s a tough path. I probably could’ve done another two degrees in the time and effort I’ve been putting into French, but that’s not what I want.

What do you want is perhaps worth asking yourself (I’m certain you have done though). Then, if you want too much (too many languages for example), prioritise. Pick what you want the most, accept the task ahead of you and go for it. Forgive me if my positive nudge/ realist approach isn’t what you’re seeking. Either way hang in there and don’t be so hard on yourself!

Well, it's pretty straight forward.. I want everything, and all done well. :-p I always feel like Cory "My dad always said there are 24 useable hours in every day" . It's funny/sad with how often I've used that as a joke, I also use it to make myself feel guilty. Of course maybe you, never having been a teenage American girl, haven't seen Empire Records...
I really really appreciate the pep talk. I don't deserve it but I love it. It's true I might need to drop more things.. but at the moment I'm pretty committed.. but in the coming month or two I can maybe scale down? Mom of 5, homeschooling, running a business, one language with actual goals (to use educating my kids), an IARPA study, volunteering (even though I quit, I seem to have added more back..).. a couple more languages & art as hobbies,... and trying to be a wife, and a gardener, and enjoy the summer, and read books, go hiking, get exercise.. etc. Maybe it's a teensy bit too much. Still, i don't know.. if I were better at things I'd be better at them.

When you finish my presentation I hope you will realize comparing yourself to others and unrealistic expectations are the road to hell. Don't look at the mountains ahead, stop and look at the views behind you. Look at all you've accomplished already.

I did go through it. You're right.. comparison is the thief of joy, envy makes the bones rot...

It's true that everyone who is better at a language passed through this phase, maybe more quickly, and maybe even more slowly for those who studied all through grade school I guess, but everyone climbed these steps..
It was a good presentation. Is the video up somewhere? Do you feel your level improved just giving it? I'm sure that was a ton of work.

Everything rdearman said (honestly he said everything so well and succinctly I feel like what could I possibly add!!), plus if you just don't feel like doing stuff, accept it, don't fight it. I don't mean "don't fight" as in give up on everything, I mean it as in let yourself feel how you feel without trying to impose a will you don't currently have anyway on top of those feelings. Sometimes you need a break. IME once I "quit," that's when I feel my languages tugging me back.

Being comfortable with negative feelings is great personality growth huh.. I have no real desire to give anything up. That's sort of the problem. I probably am trying to do more than my capacity to do those things well..
I think I just had a little collapse.. I guess I just need to start checking things off my to-do list and making as much space for my priorities as possible. Maybe make an effort to make the most useful choices with my time.

I was going to write to you a lot of things, but then I thought the following poem is appropriate. (Cavafy is always appropriate!)

That's a fantastic poem. Thank you it's funny I had a poetry book out last night and DH was commenting that no one reads poetry anymore, and it was good but weird (rare) that I did & am teaching it to the kids. I found my tribe here and my tribe reads poetry too

[Ani]

Have you looked at getting an objective assessment of where you are with French? For comprehension, past papers for a CEFR based exam should do the job, but if it's speaking or writing that is bothering you it may be worth paying a tutor who knows what they are doing for an hour or so for an assessment of where you are. I suggest this because for years I have consistently underestimated where I am at with whatever language I am learning, which is not only demoralising, but it also led to me holding myself back on certain things I didn't believe I was ready for yet.

I also wouldn't worry too much about the gap between B2 and C1. I made it from B2 German to C1 so quickly, I didn't even realise it had happened (see above about underestimating levels). I'd done a lot of the groundwork already in terms of grammar and vocab, and eventually it just sort of snapped into place. And I didn't realise how much leeway you still have to make mistakes at C1 until I watched the video of a speaking exam posted by the Goethe-Institut.

C2 appears to be a whole other level though...

Uhm... More or less, not really. I mean I've done dialang at some point and my scores were one C1 (listening) and the rest B2. I probably should read more challenging stuff, and lately I haven't been watching/listening to anything particularly strenuous, but I do feel pretty good about my passive skills --
Speaking and writing are definitely my areas of concern. I did find a new tutor who seems pretty good but it's true I haven't much considered paying for a "real" tutor whose familiar with the exams to give me some idea.

After your suggestion, I hopped on YT and looked for a speaking exam. Yikes. Not sure what I found was really typical but there's no way I could have spoken for 10 minutes like this guy did with 5 minutes prep time or whatever you get. Maybe if you wanted a lecture about not punching your sister, but def not on the socioeconomic effects of environmental policies.. Judging can do questions, I think there's pretty much no doubt I'm not at C1 speaking or writing.

[rdearman]

They should post the video on YT soon. They already have put up some. The preparation for the presentation helped a lot. Doing the research and translation. But having someone record it and shadowing was very useful. I studied that presentation a lot and swore blind I would never speak a word of French again, but actually I have spoken more in the last month than ever.

So don't worry about not wanting to do French. This too will pass.

[aaleks]

I personally decided I don't care how long it takes to get there, as long as I don't stop I will arrive sooner or later.

I had the same line of thought when I started English 6 years ago. I had started and quited so many times before so I decided that if I could at least be consistent I would learn something anyway. I think that the reason why I got somewhere eventually.

After your suggestion, I hopped on YT and looked for a speaking exam. Yikes. Not sure what I found was really typical but there's no way I could have spoken for 10 minutes like this guy did with 5 minutes prep time or whatever you get. Maybe if you wanted a lecture about not punching your sister, but def not on the socioeconomic effects of environmental policies.. Judging can do questions, I think there's pretty much no doubt I'm not at C1 speaking or writing.

I might be wrong but as I understand it the exams were designed in the first place as some standard for university applicants or job requirements - this is why they are so academic. And this is one of the reasons why I'm not so eager to take one of them. I just don't want to spend time on writing essays*, or rehearsing speaking topics, about the things I know little to nothing, or just not enough to give a speech. I would've needed time to prepare to such an exam had I taken it in my native tongue because those topics are definitely not something I'm speaking about on a daily basis.

*this link to a thread where an English learner posted his works while preparing to a C2 exam https://efl-forum.ru/boards/viewtopic.p ... 009#p33029

[smallwhite]

... I do feel pretty good about my passive skills...
Speaking and writing are definitely my areas of concern...

So you only have 2 skills to work on rather than 4 - that's great!
Do you have deadlines for them?

[cjareck]

I have like three days to frantically write out conjugation tables, read through special cases and triggers for the subjunctive.. And do those last 12 units of FSI.. it should only take about 30 hours.....

Could you please explain shortly how do you work with the FSI (FSI French Basic Course?)? Is it worth starting? I plan to improve my French someday

[gsbod]

After your suggestion, I hopped on YT and looked for a speaking exam. Yikes. Not sure what I found was really typical but there's no way I could have spoken for 10 minutes like this guy did with 5 minutes prep time or whatever you get. Maybe if you wanted a lecture about not punching your sister, but def not on the socioeconomic effects of environmental policies.. Judging can do questions, I think there's pretty much no doubt I'm not at C1 speaking or writing.

Even the can do questions may need a second opinion. Last summer I spent two weeks at a German language school. Before I arrived I had to take a test to assess my level. Comprehension and grammar were tested properly, but speaking and writing were tested on a questionnaire based on the can do questions. My comprehension and grammar scored C1+ whereas my speaking self assessment questionnaire scored B1. Fortunately on arrival the school interviews new students before placing them, and they were keen to put me in an upper C1 class. Once I was in the class I was pushed to do a lot of things I hadn't believed I was capable of (like a presentation on a complex political issue) but turned out I was ready for the challenge.

In short, get a second opinion

[Lawyer&Mom]

.

*this link to a thread where an English learner posted his works while preparing to a C2 exam https://efl-forum.ru/boards/viewtopic.p ... 009#p33029

OMG. I’m never going to be C2 in anything. His writing was super high level.

I didn’t read the whole thread, but it’s kinda hilarious to see other Russians questioning his vocabulary choices. The words that were perhaps “too obscure” are completely normal for an educated native speaker.

[Systematiker]

I'd just like to remind you that you do many things quite well, and you're awesome. You can wish you were better, or you can enjoy how good you are already while you get even better.

And for the record, you can do things in French that I can't. While academic-based assessments and can-do statements can be a benchmark, they're not definitive for determining ability. What's "professional working capability" for a homeschooling mom with 5 kids who runs her own business? I'll bet it includes discourse on not punching your sister.