Postby Cavesa » Wed Sep 13, 2017 1:32 pm
I am a failure. I am most likely out of school, but there is still a little hope. A hope of another chance that is dependent on several ifs. And pretty huge ifs. Stuff that can save me or bury my chances completely.
It looks like I'll have a lot of time for languages after all. It is in many ways really sad. I feel some relief, I definitely need to slow down. But losing a huge part of my life, seeing it just flushed down the toilet, that is horrible. Especially in such an arbitrary fashion. A combination of my chronic health problems and bureaucracy got me. And a failure that last year depended just on one old man in need to show his importance and power. I should have been a better student, but I probably couldn't have. I should have done more, but it was so hard, given my condition. I've been getting better, I am definitely gonna get much better than this, but it is not easily predictable.
I was about to tell you a few times, because I want to thank you. You'll understand why I didn't mention this before. Thank you for all your support and inspiration. I would like to thank especially those of you, who live with a psychiatric condition and got the courage to share your struggles and victories. You have been so much of an inspiration to me, you have helped me so much it's hard to describe. I have a post traumatic stress disorder. I've have had it for a very long time. But till now, only a few friends knew, and a part of my family. Now I have to admit it publicly. I have to use this information as the one chance I have got left, and I hate this. I hate having to present my tragedies and explain the unique situation to all those people in the process. It also means I need to accept how bad I am, how I've just lost so much by a hair. I feel it would be so much easier to have lost a limb instead and kept my mind intact. Easier to accept and easier to carry publicly. Easier to defend my weakness, easier to get support, easier to get diagnosed much earlier. Even if I succeed, if I use my chance and get to the last year, I have no clue whether it won't turn against me then. This is a huge stigma. There will be no way to take the secret back. Perhaps it will be easier, with the practice I am getting even here and now. But I obviously overestimated myself, thinking I could have done it without help of the kind I am asking for now.
If I fail to get my last chance here, there are several options. Having a year off and trying to get to a faculty that would accept my previous results (not that simple, there are various conditions). Or studying something completely different at long distance and working. There are various degrees that should be very easy to get to (hey, one university offers a German degree, where they would accept a B1 Goethe as the entry exam, that would be doable. or there are lots of others), but I would have to accept I simply wasted my youth without getting anything at all for my sacrifice. I would have to accept being the same joke with a primitive degree, like so many people I know. And unlike them, I would be a joke without a CV full of part time jobs from the student years.
I am again hesitating whether to post this, perhaps I'll delete it later. But I have already posted so much about me on this forum that this doesn't matter that much on top of everything.
12 x