Xenops' Log

[Xenops]

Look what I got in the mail!



Looking at eBay prices lately, I was surprised to find this under $100.00 Though I admit I have to use Google Translate, as my French isn’t amazing. I guess this is an excuse to work on French as well.

Some other news: I am moving into a studio on June first! This is the first time since I’ve lived in Boston that I could afford to live without roommates—just barely. It is down the hill from my work, so the commute is still under 20 minutes. I am so excited: I’ve had instances where I had excellent roommates, but most of the time the experiences range to tolerable to uncomfortable. My current roommate situation isn’t fun, and I’m so excited to leave her—as bad as it sounds. But then again, as couples do premarital counseling before living together, I guess it makes sense that it’s so hard to find compatible roommates?

For less happy news, I’ve had some recent discoveries about my mental health. While my mental healing is continuing in leaps and bounds, I’ve researched more into neurodiversity...And I think I’m more neurodiverse than I thought. Yes I’ve suffered from depression—that’s not new. I had heard of Highly Sensitive Persons, and before I didn’t think I was one of them because I’m not bothered by textures (I love my pea coats for example). However, these traits describe me very well:

Being very susceptible to other people’s feelings.

Easily get overwhelmed by sensory stimuli and stressful social situations.

I need down-time and alone-time to recuperate.

Music has a strong impact on me emotionally. I noticed that I tend to prefer anime/game soundtracks to classical music, and I think it’s because the mood is constant. With classical music, it feels like an emotional rollercoaster that’s manipulating my mind.

On a similar note, I think I’m more impressionable to beautiful things than most people.

And lately I’m wondering if I’m high autistic. I have not been formally diagnosed. But possibly instead, as this dialogue illustrates:

Me: I wonder if I am high autistic—some social things don’t make sense to me.
Coworker: That’s possible—we are all on a spectrum.
Me:...Or I wonder if it’s because I was homeschooled for 9 years.
Coworker: Now that’s probably why.

To be fair, I think homeschool programs (especially today) could produce healthy, balanced students. In my case, my homeschooling (and childhood) was far from ideal and it was isolating.

Some high autistic features I think I have:

See things as black and white-out

Am oblivious to some social cues. I’ve told some people, “treat me like a guy and tell me what you mean”.

In my childhood state of Idaho and the South, people have a fake politeness and sugar-coating that I can barely emulate. That’s why I found Boston such a relief: people are blunt.

In this self-diagnosis, part of me feels relief, and part of me feels disappointment. I’ve wondered why I’m almost 36 and only starting to feel comfortable navigating social situations. Granted, I’m pretty sure my dad is high autistic, and my mom was passive about my social training, so I feel like I’m learning how to be a member of society on my own.

So I feel relief, because I realize that maybe situations in the past weren’t my fault. Conversely, I wonder “if I’m autistic...Am I worthy to attempt higher education or other goals? Will society despise me for trying?” I realize too, that if I have such thoughts, it could be because I have a bias against people with high autism, and that I need to work through that.

[Carmody]

Xenops

I happen to be an HSP; it is what it is.......

You may wish to check out:

ASMR
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ASMR

and YouTube channels like this...

https://www.youtube.com/@MoonlightCottageASMR/videos

Good luck with your journey.

[Xenops]

Xenops

I happen to be an HSP; it is what it is.......

Good luck with your journey.

Thank you Carmody.

[Xenops]

My life has some new uncertainties. Part of me is grieving that things I hoped would work out aren’t, but also I’m also partly curious to see what things might lay ahead. Perhaps it is time for a change, perhaps a time to leave Boston.

For background, I moved into a studio at the beginning of June. It is run-down, but I was excited: it would be my first place of my own in Boston. Since I’m making the most I have made from a job, I was hoping that I could have the privilege of renting a studio. My previous hospital experience was considered at my current hospital job, hence the income increase. Things were looking up.

About the hospital job: I work as a medical technologist. Phlebotomists and nurses collect patients’ blood, urine, tissue, etc.—we test the specimens to see what ails the patient. I did this for a microbiology lab during the pandemic, and my current job has me work as a generalist. I’ll call this hospital job Job B. I started working at Job B because 1. I got laid off my research job, and 2. It was a 7-minute walk from my apartment of that time. I am working at this lab for a year in exchange of a sign-bonus. After January, I am free to stay or free to move on. My coworkers are delightful: I’ve rarely seen people of different generations hanging out during break or supporting each other. As I train and see more of the lab, however, it appears to me that the lab is falling apart. The chemistry analyzers are falling apart, and regularly failing QC. “Why doesn’t the hospital buy new ones?” You might ask. We are slotted to get new ones—but apparently their arrival is delayed until next year. Unless the current ones last, we are toast. There are other issues that I won’t present, but it has the appearances of lacking support from the multi-hospital system, like the lab I worked at during the pandemic. In short, the prospect of working there long-term doesn’t look beneficial.

Back to the apartment. My living here began cozy enougייh—after all, “you get what you paid for” or “you get what you can afford”. Then I noticed that the bathtub facet leaked, and the previous tenant left the bathroom vanity in a moldy state. So I put in a work order and communicated to the property management. I put this work order in the beginning of June, and these have yet to be fixed.

To boot, I get email notices to have my closets cleared of contents for construction. How annoying—I just was getting settled in! I asked management how long this was expected to last. She could not give a reply. Then I was alerted that construction would entirely alter my once spacious closets—they are unusable. Then Latino construction men would also do various consctruction projects in my tiny studio, all the while covering every single of my personal items with dust. All this time I email and call the property management, asking what is happening and when will these men stop invading my personal space. I would get no answers. Sometimes I would come home from work, to find my studio door open, and a phone charging in the kitchen, or a construction worker’s hat on my chair. With the lack of communication from the management team, with lack of personal space and respect, with the silence about the problems I wanted addressed, I felt powerless, a victim to my circumstances. I felt like I was being violated.

I happened to Google the apartment management company regarding their reviews, and sure enough their reviews are awful. Admittedly I haven’t given much thought to reviews of management teams, because I figured they would be bad everywhere in Boston. One review gave me an idea: if living in an unsafe environment, contact the Boston Health Commission. I emailed them, and waited for results.

Results I got. The evasive lady from the management team suddenly seemed keen to talk to me. Finally I could voice how unhappy I have been with the whole siutation. She promised a conversation with her manager (who is also her brother). A couple of hours later I spoke with her manager and gave blow-by-blow detail of all I have experienced. First, he actually expressed (some) sympathy with what I encountered; secondly, it was finally communicated that I did not know about the supposed upgrades to my A\C unit or the in-unit washer/dryer system, and hence the construction guys in my studio. Thirdly, he agreed that their disrespect was deplorable, as was the maintainence guy ignoring my requests. I said I didn’t want to live here anymore, and to my surprise he offered to terminate the contract, either right then or in August. I elected August. I also asked, since I explained all of this, along with my history of anxiety of depression, and what this whole escapade “made me think dark thoughts”, how might I be compensated for my suffering. He said he would talk to the apartment owner.

So I have to find a new place for September, and hence my current indecision. I am obligated to work at my current hospital job until January (or repay the bonus). I could look for more permanent housing, as there are other hospitals within walking distance. The thing is, to live in a studio, I realized, makes it very tight financially. Tighter than I anticipated. So I would need to find roommates, like I have previously about Boston. But in my 5-6 years of living here, I’ve had one wonderful roommate experience, one tolerable experience, and mostly bad experiences. My experience with roommates hasn’t been consistently good. So I am tired of roommates, and I am tired of being broke. Since rumors say Boston is now in the Top 3 Most Expensive City to live in the US, I really wonder if it’s time for me to move on. Another consideration is whether to consider being a traveling tech: if I seem to be moving from place to place every few months, why not do it for more money and no commitments?

I am tempted to rent an AirBnB until January, apply to jobs, and see where my job search takes me. I would consider working as permanent staff as a town nearby like Salem where rent might be a tad cheaper, or go with traveling. I never seriously considered the later, as I dislike starting new at places, and I wonder how much I would miss my church community here, not to mention mental health. But then again, wouldn’t I start fresh anyway should I move to Europe? Plus, working as a traveling tech would allow me to pay off my college debt sooner than later.

Things to pray and think about.

Oh, to top it off, I spilled water on my expensive MacBook Pro, and it hasn’t turned on since Thursday. I take it to the Apple Store tomorrow. I write this on a Bluetooth keyboard and my iPad.

[Xenops]

For general life-update, I have signed the lease termination, and I found an Airbnb to stay at from September to January. From there, I will decide my next steps, whether to apply to other hospitals in Boston (less likely), apply to hospitals outside of Boston, or apply to be a traveling tech. While being certified is not obligatory, it would open more doors than not, and I would be competing with other techs for positions. So my study time will be dedicated to studying for the ASCP exam this fall.

Amidst my life-upheaval, I admit my Danish study has taken a back seat, and it might continue to take a back seat until at least September, when I am out of my studio. I am also trying to downsize all of my possessions—many of which, are books. Thankfully, with the exciting prospect of being a travelling tech, I can finally lessen some attachment to certain books and sort them by “nice to have, for the future” or “hard to replace, regret if I lost them”. Hence my list of books in the Swap Shop on this forum.

I thought I would also update of my Asian languages pursuit—or lack thereof. It has been a spiritual journey, to be honest. To give a little Christian context, I will quote from Genesis chapter 22:

22 Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!”
“Here I am,” he replied.
2 Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”
3 Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. 4 On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. 5 He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.”
6 Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, 7 Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?”
“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.
“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”
8 Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together.
9 When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10 Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. 11 But the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”
“Here I am,” he replied.
12 “Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.”
13 Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram[a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. 14 So Abraham called that place The Lord Will Provide. And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.”

You might think this passage doesn’t apply to me, an American woman 3,000 years or so after this event was supposed to take place. Still, I believe God is the same God that Abraham encountered, and lately I have felt him asking me often, “are you willing…To give up what you hold dearest, for my sake?” While I have not been asked something so drastic, I have felt that my interest in Japan has been the “dearest thing”. I felt he was testing me to give up Japan, for Korean instead, and then recently to give up all East Asian pursuits entirely, to focus on Europe. This is harder than it sounds, as I admit part of my identity and thinking process is “how would the Japanese think of this?” I’m a white woman (and dare I say—weeb?), so this might sound strange to most people—but Japan is part of my fabric, and to lose it is to lose part of myself. This I believed God was asking of me. It reached its crescendo when I put my most valued book collection on eBay—a manga series that comforted me during my darkest hours in college, and helped me transition from a girl to a woman, and gave me valuable perspective into the Japanese medical system and into Japan itself. I write of Osamu Tezuka’s Black Jack manga, published almost in its entirety in English for the first time, now most volumes out of print. The entire collection can surpass 1,000.00$ on eBay.
Now, if I understand correctly, God has lifted the request to get rid of my manga, to remove Japan from my fabric, because I was willing to give these up to follow him. Now, I think I realize why the test: I was too concerned about what Japanese or Korean can give me, and not how God might use me in either area. Yes, South Korea might take the world by storm, yes I might be missing out by not studying the language—but if God directs me to Japanese, he has use for me there.

So in short, I feel compelled to prioritize Danish and Japanese. But my job certification is my immediate priority.

[Xenops]

Yay! The forum is back!

2023 was a hard year for me, and I do not make any claims to progress on any front. I studied for the ASCP certification exam, only to learn that my education is now just a little too old, and I have to apply to take it again. So I finally sent my application, and according to Google, I should get a response within 6 weeks.

I'm still in Boston at the AirBnB: which interestingly turns out to be cheaper and nicer than most of the accommodations I've had in this city. So I will be here for a little while longer. My short term goals would be to pass the ASCP exam, and then apply for the California license. Resources tell me that Californian cities have Boston's COL, but with my occupation, I could make more than I do here. Save money to move overseas!

Mental recovery has taken strides the last few months. I didn't realize how much perfectionism defined and dictated my life, but now I'm approaching the other side, I think "wow...No wonder I was miserable". My perfectionism tendencies also extended to language study, as I felt I needed to study certain ones, all at once, or bust. Now I feel I can relax a little, and put them on the back burner, maybe permanently.

With my mental health getting better, and my impending test date being undetermined, I bought tickets to Milan, Italy for the last week of February. I learned that my GED might not be a hindrance to a particular school program I'm interested in Italy, so this country might be on the list of European options. I'm going because I want to see if I would like living there, and maybe if I love it I would study Italian. So if anyone is in the area, let me know, and maybe we can have espresso or something.

For Scandilangs, I'm just indecisive. I seriously considered and started Danish and Denmark, partly because my occupation was on their critical jobs list...But now it's not? What do I do, plan my entire future on a volatile critical jobs list? I don't know. I'm also somewhat disappointed at the small number of resources for Danish as well. I also considered, that while Sweden wasn't my favorite of the three Scandicountries I visited, it might be a better fit because of the cultural diversity and the Swedish habit of having thrift stores. And just the more language resources. And maybe I'm not being fair since I only previously visited Stockholm and Malmö.

In general though, I am optimistic about 2024--I think in contrast to 2023, it will be a good year for me.

Ha det (bye)

Xenops

[DaveAgain]

For Scandilangs, I'm just indecisive. I seriously considered and started Danish and Denmark, partly because my occupation was on their critical jobs list...But now it's not? What do I do, plan my entire future on a volatile critical jobs list? I don't know. I'm also somewhat disappointed at the small number of resources for Danish as well. I also considered, that while Sweden wasn't my favorite of the three Scandicountries I visited, it might be a better fit because of the cultural diversity and the Swedish habit of having thrift stores. And just the more language resources. And maybe I'm not being fair since I only previously visited Stockholm and Malmö.

The new Queen Consort of Denmark is an Australian lady, I'm sure she must have given 101 interviews about things she's discovered about Danish culture, perhaps reading some of those would strike a spark with you?

A Danish TV series Badehotellet, is one of my favourite foreign language TV shows.

[Xenops]

Hello All,

I've made a difficult decision: I'm not going to pursue moving overseas immediately--hopefully someday, but not now. I'm finding hurdles, and I'm finding that unless I get more schooling to be a competitive skilled worker, it's hard to move as a non-EU. Yes, the ideal situation would be to save money, get an advanced degree in target country, work in target country...But I'm currently finding it's hard to save money unless I change occupations, and that means school. I have no support system, neither in my home country of the U.S. nor in Europe. So possibly the next best option would be to go back to school for a more in-demand skilled occupation. I still want to move overseas—just not yet.

Oddly, I feel at peace about this decision. Despite the US’s problems, I look forward to going back to school here. Here also I have opportunities to pursue a career I had given up on, but maybe it’s still possible. I’m not saying what it is, but if you’re curious, you can PM me.

I’m also making strides with mental health, and I realized that:

1. Telling people my plans kills my interest in said plan. It’s like it moves from an option to an obligation. It also triggers my perfectionism—now I have to do it, rather than being left to discover my interests. And so, I will not be continuing this log. The accountability is not productive for me.

2. I’m rereading Barbara Sher’s Refuse to Chose!, and I’m trying to be gracious with myself and accepting that I am a Scanner. I was raised with the idea of “focus” being the ultimate goal in life. I love the idea of being a specialist, and I have hated myself because I can’t dedicate to a single interest, but I’m grasping that sticking to one thing makes me very bored and miserable.

In the meantime, I probably will stay in Boston a little longer. Going back to school in Boston makes sense.

[tangleweeds]

I will miss your log! But I understand your issues with keeping one. I’ve learned to avoid creating any grand plans in mine, and simply report on resources that I’ve found useful, or funny behaviors I’ve found myself doing in my language quests.

I believe research has been done on this, and they found that stating plans, rather than creating accountability as planned, can instead to create a premature sense of closure, so you’re kind of done before you’ve begun. But I experience it more as you’ve described, that attempts at accountability instead move my studies from adventures to obligations, which then strangles motivation like crabgrass.