Forastero's TOEFL/IELTS essays. (Corrections are very welcome)

[El Forastero]

Writing has always been my strongest point in english. By far, I can express my ideas better when I write than when I speak, but recently I have been working on my speaking in order to reach the certification and I haven't written for a while. In the last test (PTE C2) I had a score of 18/25, so I could say that I approved this part even though the whole score was less than 60, so in fact I couldn't get the certification. My previous test were TOEFL (27/30) and IELTS (7.0), so you can Imagine how my level is.

Why am I doing this log? Not exactly because I want to do the test again (though, perhaps), but because recently I have the opportunity to prepare some students to reach a 6-7 or so in IELTS, and I would like to have the ability to write a perfect band-9 essay. So, I need to practice and this will be the place to do it.

So, that is not an excercise to have a barely understandable text or a not-too-deep idea of what the essay is about. I need a really band-9 text into the limit of time and I'll try to write at least 2 or 3 of them per week. I'm going to use the writing essay topics from GoodLuckToefl web page, so I can't complain about lack of excercises

Corrections are very welcome. If you want to help me, please show me how to have a higher quality or esthetically better text, despite being a fully comprehensible C1-level text. Thanks a lot.

[El Forastero]

What do you want most in a friend — someone who is intelligent, or someone who has a sense of humor, or someone who is reliable? Which one of these characteristics is most important to you? Use reasons and specific examples to explain your choice.

Personal opinions and preferences concerning friendship are not immutable alongside the life. They are in constant change. That implies different answers to the main questions according to the age I have whenever I try to answer them. For instance, when I was a university student, I really wanted to have a very active friend, eager to explore new activities to perform and learn about, such as sport training, language learning and political activism. I used to be involved in those activities that time, besides my professional studies.

Even though I could have the fortune to meet friends that fit in such a specific set of criteria and enjoy the opportunity to share my passion for those diverse activities, when I finally finished my studies and faced the real world with the urgency to find a job, be an adult and save money to accomplish some financial goals I had already set, I realized that the qualities I used to remark in a friend were no longer valid for me, no longer desirable, or at least they became irrelevant, trivial and in the opposite side of the spectrum of my interests. For instance, that ready-to-party attitude was losing importance and nowadays it’s the very last thing I want to find in a potential friend.

I’m currently 42, and nowadays I highlight in a friend his/her sense of responsibility, discipline, quietness and serenity, in addition to a permanent wish to learn, appreciate new knowledge and enjoy the little things the life constantly provides us. I also remark his/her honesty, trustfulness and reliability as an imperative condition to stablish and maintain a strong friendship. I like to have friends who could support me in a new project and share with me my way to spend my free time, despite my way could seem a bit boring for most people.

(305 words. 24 minutes)

[El Forastero]

Some people like doing work by hand. Others prefer using machines. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Even though the question proposes an extremely wide range of possible contexts in which such an unspecific inquire could fit, I’ll only choose the example of works that an average 40-year-old urban high-educated professional can perform in his daily life.

Surely, I can state I always prefer using machines, if I can admit my computer in a very diverse group like this one. For me, my computer is the perfect machine: It serves to me as a library, phone, mail service, typewriter, calculator, dictionary, audio record storage, images and video suppliers and even as a virtual place to interact to other people. I am a language teacher, and the option to do my work by hand, in other words, by pencil and paper, appears to me very anachronic, obsolete, harder and less efficient than by using machines. Thanks to an internet connected computer, we can even show my students some language-related features that otherwise would be impossible, for instance explain different accents, some specific pronunciation rules and intonation patterns very different to the one I have learned and I can demonstrate by myself according to my level.

But this preference can become into a double-edge sword. Some basic skills like handwriting or draw could be seriously affected by the lack of practice, and we can extend that risk to other skills that involve motricity, physical activity and body coordination. That’s the reason why, however it’s by far my first option, I shouldn’t use machines to do the totality of my job, and in the case I felt forced to do so, I would need to complement my machine-related job with exercise that can maintain, or even improve, my dexterity, healthy and shape. As examples, I can mention elevators and escalators. I try to avoid them as much as I can, using stair instead, because I know this even small exercise can have long-term benefits for my health.

(312 words, 26 minutes)

[El Forastero]

Should governments spend more money on improving roads and highways, or should governments spend more money on improving public transportation (buses, trains, subways)? Why? Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.

Big modern cities are struggling against several problems simultaneously, but they don’t usually have enough money, time or political support to carry out the solutions they imagine. Traffic is one of the biggest concerns for governments, and the denser the city, the harder to implement an efficient solution.

The basic problem can be explained as a disbalance between how many cars are there in a city and how many roads are there for them, which implies a solution reducing cars/roads rate. This solution can be accomplished through two different strategies: Either by discouraging the private car usage or by expand the road network and its capacity.

The problem with the first strategy is the remaining sense of lack of liberty because of the proposed measures. In the city I live, for example, there’s a car circulation restriction according to the badge number, and owners are forced to not to use their cars two days per week to take public transportation, with a huge dissatisfaction due to it. The main reason for this disapproval is the widely known bad quality of public transportation that leads people to make the effort to buy another car to cover the restriction days, and it gets the original problem even worse.

The problem with the second strategy is that it takes too much time to be completed, but in the meanwhile the city is almost collapsed because of the works. Moreover, this is not a permanent solution, as big cities are growing faster and faster and new roads are basically proposed as a solution of a big traffic problem, instead of an anticipation to prevent future traffic problems. In any case, even new big roads with good traffic flow can be overwhelmed in few years if new buildings are settled in the surroundings.

With the aforementioned in mind, it’s very clear that each option never will be a deep solution for traffic in big dense cities. However, in order to reduce the negative impact of thousands of cars on the roads, I’m totally sure that car use discourage is the best option. To reach this goal, public transportation must be safe, clean, comfortable, fast and cheap enough that people prefer leave the car at home willingly

(374 words, 28 minutes)

[Kraut]

I'm on the Future Learn mailing list and got this today:
https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/sta ... ng-fiction
you might be interested.

[iguanamon]

Should governments spend more money on improving roads and highways, or should governments spend more money on improving public transportation (buses, trains, subways)? Why? Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.

Big modern cities are struggling against several problems simultaneously, but they don’t usually have enough money, time or political support to carry out the solutions they imagine. Traffic is one of the biggest concerns for governments, and the denser the city, the harder to implement an efficient solution.

The basic problem can be explained as an disbalance (imbalance is the word you are looking for here) between how many cars are there there are in a city and how many roads are there for them, which implies a solution reducing cars/roads rate. This solution can be accomplished through two different strategies: Either by discouraging the private car usage or by expanding the road network and its capacity.

The problem with the first strategy is the remaining sense of lack of liberty because of the proposed measures. In the city where I live, for example, there’s a car circulation restriction according to the badge number, and owners are forced to not to use their cars two days per week to and must take public transportation, with a huge dissatisfaction due to it. The main reason for this disapproval is the widely known bad quality of public transportation that leads people to make the effort to buy another car to cover the restriction days, and it gets making the original problem even worse.

The problem with the second strategy is that it takes too much time to be completed, but in the meanwhile meantime (Here, it's just a stylistic choice for me, as a speaker of American English, meanwhile is correct, it's just not what I would use.) the city is almost collapsed because of the works. Moreover, this is not a permanent solution, as big cities are growing faster and faster and new roads are basically proposed as a solution of a big traffic problem, instead of an anticipation to prevent future traffic problems. In any case, even new big roads with good traffic flow can be overwhelmed in few years if new buildings are settled in the surroundings.

With the aforementioned in mind, it’s very clear that each neither option never will ever be a deep solution for traffic in big dense cities. However, in order to reduce the negative impact of thousands of cars on the roads, I’m totally sure that discouraging private car use discourage is the best option. To reach this goal, public transportation must be safe, clean, comfortable, fast and cheap enough so that people will prefer leave leaving their car at home willingly.

At this stage in your formal writing, there aren't that many grammar/vocabulary mistakes to correct. Most of the corrections are for style and clarity. Very well done, ¡Muy bien hecho!, Forastero!

[El Forastero]

Thanks a lot, Iguanamon. That's the idea, try to go a little bit beyond. According to my experience, a C1 text is already a good text to explain your point of view in every situation.

Can produce clear, well-structured, detailed text on complex subjects, showing controlled use of organizational patterns, connectors and cohesive devices.

So, the improvement margin that remains to be C2 forces you to write spotlessly, with more aesthetic quality, advanced vocabulary and syntactical complexity. That is my intention with this excercise

[El Forastero]

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

What is the cost of a used t-shirt? For most people, it is the kind of worthless object can be thrown to the garbage with no contemplations, but sometimes there can be a collector wanting to pay for it because he considers it as a piece of art or because of its former owner. There are a lot of examples of regular objects being sold in auctions for astronomical prices. That’s why the common question “how much does it cost?” can be answered with a very simple “how much are you willing to pay for it”.

The same principle can be used to speak about salaries. In a job interview, when there are more candidates fulfilling the company’s requirements than available positions, companies can offer a low salary because there will be always someone ready to accept the unfair conditions. On the contrary, if the needed skills are very specific and few can apply to the new job, companies must increase the wage offer in order to attract more potential candidates that originally were not interested in a low salary. And the more specific, unusual and desirable the skill, the higher the offer.

Apparently, several of these skills are related in modern days with entertainment, and that can explain how high the salaries for high level sportsmen, actors and some musicians are. When compared with high demanding professions like surgeons and scientists, the amount of money earn by sports professionals seems to be ridiculously high. Is that fair?

Avoiding the byzantine discussion about what is fairness and what is not, which has been debated for thousands of years with no conclusions, my answer is “yes, it is”. Perhaps some people think, as I do, that other professions are more relevant in society and deserve the recognition they haven’t had for decades. Teachers, as the paradigmatic example. Teaching is widely accepted as one of the most crucial activities in a society and in the formation of new citizens, but at the same time one of the most remarkably underpaid and less rewarding. On the other side of the spectrum, sports professionals appear to be overpaid to perform a plenty-of-fun, fashionable, glamorous, joyful and always happy activity “everyone could do”.

The main difference is the amount of people who are ready to pay for the activity he / she performs. There aren’t millions of potential buyers paying in a rush for teach kids at schools as there are to pay for a ticket in a concert or in a stadium. Is it unfair? Perhaps, but it’s not illegal, the market rules this way and we need to move and to behave according to these rules. Does the artist or sportsperson worth the time and money I need to spend because of the product I’m being offered? If he does, I’ll pay. If he doesn’t, I won’t. That’s not a matter of fairness, it’s merely the ruthless market who is in charge and pollute everything

We can state, as a matter of conclusion, this famous aphorism: hate the game, not the player

(508 words, 30 minutes)

[El Forastero]

I'm on the Future Learn mailing list and got this today:
https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/sta ... ng-fiction
you might be interested.

I really do, I'll check it. Thanks a lot.

[Cavesa]

I am a bit hesitant about posting. I am not a native. Yes, I got C2 for my writing on the CAE report, but I am overall a C1. I passed DALF C2, but writing in French was different and the exam was harder. More strict, the expectations more narrow, and sometimes you really couldn't afford to beat around the bush too much, or dream a bit too far away. Also, the French C2 writing was significantly longer (I think 800 or 900 words). I hope my participation in this thread won't be unwelcome. Should it be the case, I apologise in advance.

Your first text (friendship) is really nice and wise. I do not dare to look for mistakes, you are really good. The only part that looks weird to me as a reader:

I like to have friends who could support me in a new project and share with me my way to spend my free time, despite my way could seem a bit boring for most people.

The issue is not the particular word, even though some people are a bit sensitive about possible overuse of the word "I" (which is more of a psychological issue than a linguistic one, I suppose). But there are too many copies of it in one sentence, I'd say. I feel it breaks the flow a bit.
The second part of the sentence also feels less natural than the rest of the text.
Perhaps, it might be useful to chop the sentence in two or three and change the last part a bit (I am not sure how exactly though). It is a bit like in music. The ending can fix or break the overall impression.

It is great, that you show off your ability to create long sentences. Those are surely part of the expectations from a top student. But the short ones make the text a bit faster, they have a sort of a wake up effect on the reader. This is not purely my observation, I remember having read this in some creative writing textbook or a similar source. I believe superlong sentences like the one bellow could really do with some chopping in pieces:

Even though I could have the fortune to meet friends that fit in such a specific set of criteria and enjoy the opportunity to share my passion for those diverse activities, when I finally finished my studies and faced the real world with the urgency to find a job, be an adult and save money to accomplish some financial goals I had already set, I realized that the qualities I used to remark in a friend were no longer valid for me, no longer desirable, or at least they became irrelevant, trivial and in the opposite side of the spectrum of my interests.

This is one sentence. I believe people tend to lose focus somewhere in the middle of such a beast. The end of a sentence is not only a moment to breath in while reading aloud. It is usually a tiny opportunity to relax for the silent reader too. To relax and digest the information. Don't exhaust your reader too much.

One last question: how closely to the instructions are you supposed to stick? You have answered everything, you have showed a lot of skill. But you have gotten to the answers in the last third of the text. I don't know, what are the expectations in IELTS. But I would say putting at least a bit of the main answer to the beginning (or close to it) might make a good impression. You know, like a teaser.