Language learning, your family, and your social life

[Fortheo]

Hey everyone, I'm sure this topic has been discussed on the old site before, but I couldn't find much, so I thought I'd start a new topic. I hope this is the right section for this.


Here's my question: how do you balance your study habits, with your family and social life?

For me, I've been an extreme introvert every since I was little. When I was a kid, I was an avid reader; when I was a teen, I spent the majority of my time alone, in my room, teaching my self how to play guitar and piano; throughout my college years, I spent most of my time in the library studying or reading. Long story short—I'm not a very social person; instead, I'm internally motivated. Fast forward to now: I'm staying at a relatives house for a while so that I can sort my life out and finish my college degree and then transition to a working adult (sigh). My family is very close, and very social, and I don't just mean my immediate family—I mean all my cousins, aunts, and uncles—they're all extremely close. To make matters worse, the majority of them live on the same street as me. It seems like almost every single day there's a family gathering, a birthday party, a cousin who needs some help watching the kids, an uncle who needs help finishing his basement etc etc, and all I want to do is be left alone to my solitary self so that I can do my studies and my hobbies. It's like they need to be around people 90% of the day, and I need to be alone 90% of the day. I'm having a hard time balancing the two. I mentally feel exhausted and worn out after having to be in these social situations, and in turn, that affects my studying and all the hobbies that I really enjoy. I think I have a hard time saying no because I'm staying with a relative, so I feel obliged to be a certain way.

This is especially relevant now during the holidays–I've gone to 4 parties already, and my family is pressuring me into another one. That's like 4 parties too many for me! haha


Wow, this turned into a rant, but how do you all manage your hobbies and the social demands in your life? I'm especially curious about the other introverts out there.

[smallwhite]

... and then transition to a working adult (sigh).

I transitioned to the working adult and live by myself (yay).

[tangleweeds]

My roommate loves going out dancing to live music, and is generally happy to pay for me to come along (he's a senior software engineer for a major internet entity, and thus has a lot more disposable income than I) . We have bunch of friends we run into at shows, who often throw and attend each others' prefuncs. They're great people, and I feel fortunate to have such an awesome social circle.

Only most of the time I'd rather stay home and study.

[Fortheo]

My roommate loves going out dancing to live music, and is generally happy to pay for me to come along (he's a senior software engineer for a major internet entity, and thus has a lot more disposable income than I) . We have bunch of friends we run into at shows, who often throw and attend each others' prefuncs. They're great people, and I feel fortunate to have such an awesome social circle.

Only most of the time I'd rather stay home and study.

Yeah, it's hard to say "no" though, especially because I've found that a lot of people don't seem to understand that I can be happy being alone or something. I was renting a flat with a few roommates, and they were good people, but I often preferred to do my own thing. I remember one day they finally asked "Do you hate us? why won't you ever hang out with us?" I felt really bad -_-

[Fortheo]

... and then transition to a working adult (sigh).

I transitioned to the working adult and live by myself (yay).

I don't even dare try working full time when I'm in school. I have all the respect in the world for people that do though. So I guess you don't have family and friends constantly trying to drag you out places? Last year I managed to rent my own apartment right near the ocean...I miss that a lot. Maybe I'll go back when I finish school.

[solocricket]

I'm also an extreme introvert, but most of the time I only live with my husband-- I work from home most of the day with plenty of time for hobbies, and then he's happy to skype with friends (he's pretty extraverted) for some of the evening if I want to do more hobby or writing-type things! It's a pretty good deal so far. The holidays have been slightly tougher. Last week we were at my parents' house, so I felt obliged to hang out all the time, since my husband would feel awkward by himself. I admit I was kind of irritable from all the socializing. Still, there was downtime, and he understood when I needed to get away for an hour or so (my parents and brother understand me all too well). Honestly, I probably should have done that more often, and then I would have been a more pleasant person. This week, we're at his parents' house, and they don't seem to mind that I wander away and hide every now and again, and my husband is happy to have some quality time with his parents and sister. I think people can be understanding if you explain that alone time with your hobbies keeps you sane! Or just disappear a lot, and they might get the picture

[tangleweeds]

Yeah, it's hard to say "no" though, especially because I've found that a lot of people don't seem to understand that I can be happy being alone or something. I was renting a flat with a few roommates, and they were good people, but I often preferred to do my own thing. I remember one day they finally asked "Do you hate us? why won't you ever hang out with us?" I felt really bad -_-

Yes! I often feel that my roommate thinks I'm sulking, or depressed, or something suboptimal. He's very extroverted, and is relaxed and renewed by chatting up everyone he knows, and staking out space on a crowded dancefloor. So it seems obvious to him that something must be wrong if I pass up an opportunity to do the same.

Meanwhile, I get brain freeze when it's time to make small talk. Whoever they are, I'm 99% certain that they don't give a fig about Irish prepositional pronouns, so, um, what next? And when the dance floor gets packed, I start wishing I was back home with my books. So I go find a quiet corner, and play Duolingo until the crowd thins out a bit.

[LMAshton]

Being an introvert in an extrovert world can be hard. I'm lucky - I married a fellow introvert and we live the hermit life together. He works from home (his own business) and I don't work (chronically ill), so it works out well.

[rdearman]

Here's my question: how do you balance your study habits, with your family and social life?

I've read a lot of introversion-extroversion in various psychological journals, etc. Introversion just means you have a low reward system for social interaction. Extroverts get exhausted by social interaction as well, it is just they feel more rewarded for doing it.

In fact, what many people ascribe to introversion really belongs in the intellect/imagination domain [1]. Intellect/imagination represents a drive for cognitive engagement of inner mental experience, and encompasses a wide range of related (but partially separate) traits, including intellectual engagement, intellectual curiosity, intellectual depth, ingenuity, reflection, introspection, imagination, emotional richness, artistic engagement, and aesthetic interests.

Anyway my advice is since you are in college, simply lie to your family and tell them that you have homework to do, then just do you're language studies. If they insist; rant a little about how you need to complete your degree work and if they don't want to support you for the rest of your life.... blah, blah. Most people will leave you alone if they believe you are pursuing a "socially acceptable" excuse for not joining in the parties.

Or if you don't want to lie, just be honest and tell them that you have some life goals which you wish to accomplish and your trying to improve yourself.

[smallwhite]

... and then transition to a working adult (sigh).

I transitioned to the working adult and live by myself (yay).

I don't even dare try working full time when I'm in school. I have all the respect in the world for people that do though. So I guess you don't have family and friends constantly trying to drag you out places? Last year I managed to rent my own apartment right near the ocean...I miss that a lot. Maybe I'll go back when I finish school.

My immediate family and I live in different countries. My relatives I'm happy to see once a year, anything more than that I ask mum to ask them to leave me alone. My friends now count me out more often than they drag me out. I think because (i) I turned them down a few times too many (ii) I said to count me out expensive dinners (iii) I didn't have a smartphone and they arranged via Whatsapp and they found it annoying to have to ring me separately.

I'm not as introvert as you are, though. I just have too many solitary hobbies that urgently need my attention.