Giving up learning because I feel like a fake. Anyone ever had the same feeling ?

[DisneDenisNesdi]

Hi, and thanks for reading this.

I am a french guy who can read, write and understand english but not speaking it very well. In fact, I can't have a basic conversation with someone who will ask me something simple outside and it takes me ages to find my words. I will explain more in detail later in this post.

First, why am I here writing to you ?

Well, after years working my english in an old fashioned style I have recently tried to learn new languages and discovered many new ways to learn, apps like duolingo etc.

I have been very enthusiastic for some weeks and was unable to decide what language I wanted to dedicate myself to seriously. I tried many different languages at a time and still could not make a choice. I was so excited !
I wanted to learn spanish first because it could be useful to know such a popular language around the world even if I have to say that I don't like Spanish language very much. My taste goes for Russian or Chinese so I also tried it a little bit.

All was great until yesterday. I found by satellite tv a chinese channel. I was happy until I saw a program where almost all the people were not chinese (I mean not racially Chinese, no offense here, I just have to explain clearly the situation). They were all differents, physically they seemed to come from maybe Italy, some from Scandinavia or Germany and one of the girls was black. Please excuse the way I say it, I don't want to seem controversial here but let me explain why I give such details, why I have been disturbed and what it means in my life about my language learning experience...

It was a program about artists who came on stage for being judged by the people I am talking about. Basically the audience was only chinese people and many artists were chinese but the "stars" of the program, I mean the people who were judging the artists as if they were almighty gods knowing what is right or wrong were this bunch of non-Chinese people.

Think about it : It means that I was watching a chinese program on chinese tv with non-Chinese people speaking chinese and judging chinese people as if they were clever and better than the natives... Can you believe such non-sense ? But it was true and in front of me on tv last night, guys.

And then I suddenly had a revelation. I was horrified by what I was watching. Literally.
Watching these arrogant people speaking chinese and being masters of a chinese program was a cultural shock.
They were speaking chinese perfectly of course but they seemed so fake and not at their right place that it was really disturbing and sad.

I realised that finally learning chinese language (and any foreign language) can be interesting and useful, for sure, but if we take it too seriously and go too far in the cultural integration we take the risk to become like thieves of the cultures of other people. I mean if non chinese learn chinese language with ambitions for finally being at high social positions in China (like these tv people) they consciously or unconsciously destroy the Chinese culture and society. Because if when you watch chinese tv all you see is finally non chinese people you can feel that China is no longer China, it becomes a culturally blurry country who is losing is identity.

Sorry to sound maybe "racist" or conservative, this is not my intention at all but I hope you are mature enough for understand what I mean even if you are not ok with my opinion. What I am saying is that I wonder now what motivates the need to learn foreign languages.

If it is not for working or for living with a lover finally it seems to be a search of another identity. In my case it is. I wanted to learn languages because I feel limited with only my native culture and identity so it seems attractive to me to try to be "someone else", someone different than who I am normally. But this is just a fake. I feel like a thieve trying to mimic what is not mine.
I will never be a chinese or a british or a russian even if I speak perfectly the languages anyway. I will be forever a fake fooling myself and others.

It has been clear to me that these tv non-chinese people I saw were completely fake and had nothing to do at their place in Chinese tv. Let chinese tv to chinese people for goodness sake ! Nobody wants to see on chinese tv Scandinavian, germans or what else taking the power and becoming more famous than chinese artists, it makes no sense.

Maybe I am the only one who thinks like that but I don't care. I wanted to share my thoughts about it because this revelation stopped my enthusiasm about language learning. I spent the day completely sad and lazy, I have no more the will to learn. I just don't want to be a fake like these people on tv. I don't want to be what I am not. I don't want to waste my time with what is not mine and will never be mine anyway.

I was just wondering if anyone has ever felt the same ?

Thanks for the answers if there is any. I appreciate to know what is your opinion about it.

And for those who want to know more about my story with language learning and have the time to read, here it goes :

I learnt it with Assimil methods years ago (started in 2012) and of course I was not practicing speaking correctly on a daily basis and with real people. I was the typical book student alone in my room and almost all my knowledge about english has been intellectual by written words with very few speaking practice. I was repeating what I listened on the CD courses and with tv etc. but it was not enough, my pronunciation is still very bad today.

Despite this situation I am relatively at ease for writing and spent a lot of time on forums and social media in english over the years. I have been engaged in very serious discussions where I was expressing my deepest feelings and thoughts in english and was understood by people so it seems I can write correctly...

Finally, I could even say that english has been a better way for me to express myself than french, I don't know why exactly...

Anyway, I always had this feeling to be a kind of "fake". Let me explain : even if I became able, with a lot of work for years, to write, read and think in english (since maybe 5 years I can think completely in english for hours if I want, as if it was my native language), if I am honest with myself, I have to admit that all these things have nothing to do with my real nature.

I mean, english is useful for me for learning many things and communicating by writing and I don't regret the efforts I made but I am still what I was before, a french guy who lives and thinks as a french guy. English language and all english cultural influences have had finally no influence on me.

And believe me, I tried hard to mimic especially British people in many ways because I have been so fascinated by this culture... by example, I don't watch french tv anymore most of the time, don't listen French songs, don't read french books and I am only watching, listening and reading english contents day and night. I do it because french culture doesn't interest me, I already read many french classic books by example but it bores me, french songs are the same, sound just boring to me... Only french movies are better I think (let be honest, british movies are horrible and I dislike American movies since longtime now)...

I dislike many aspects of french culture and can't identify myself with it. That's why I have basically no friends here amd don't like to go out but note that I have been in London and it was the same though so I am a loner everywhere anyway.... I don't drink alcohol by example so it is hard to socialise in the entire world for me since this is the main thing that makes people together.

Oh, not that I think British culture is really that great, not at all, but it is just better than French in my opinion so it has justified my choice to give my time to it rather than to my own culture for years.

But the thing is : I can't change what I am even if I don't like it. By example, even if I think in english all day long, when I sleep I still dream exclusively in french and that's a sign that my subconscious rejects all the english influences that I absorb daily and only accepts my french identity and culture. I can't remember even a single dream I had where I was speaking english or where people were speaking english. It never happened it seems. Or even if it happened I can only remember the dreams in french anyway.
For me it's a proof that my efforts to learn english have been only useful for very superficial things on this physical plane but it had no importance on my spiritual life, on what I can call my "soul" maybe.

So basically learning english for me has been just mimicking foreign behaviours and fooling myself it could make me really better and clever. It did not.

I was searching for a way to identify myself with a culture I could like but finally I am still out of any reference.

[rdearman]

They were speaking chinese perfectly of course but they seemed so fake and not at their right place that it was really disturbing and sad.

I think you're making some pretty large assumptions about the judges on Chinese TV. For example, in France I'm sure you have many people of difference creeds, colours, religions, etc, and all of them are native speakers of French. Not all native speakers of French "look French", so why do you assume that just because someone doesn't "look Chinese" they aren't a native speaker of the language? I know for a fact that there are many people in Singapore who look European, but are native mandarin speakers. So we should: "never judge a book by its cover."

As regards to the rest of your post I believe you are suffering from what is known as "Impostor syndrome". This isn't a mental disorder, just a cognitive distortion. You might find it useful to speak to a professional who can help you to overcome these feelings.

[tastyonions]

Language learning probably won’t solve your insecurities, poor self-confidence, or uncertainty about your personal identity. It can open lots of doors for you, to culture and friendship and travel and new experiences, but don’t expect it to fix everything less than satisfying about your life or turn you into a totally new person.

[白田龍]

When I started learning languages I hoped that it may give me a pathway that I lacked in my own native language. However it did not work. All the dificulties I have in my native language are still present when I try to speak in a foreign language, and in fact they are a lot worse.

But this has not stopped my from continuing learning, as I felt that learning is rewarding on itself.

[jimmy]

it is sometimes very difficult to change people's ideas. I have come across many times problems relevant to this issue for instance, you know that something that someones are mentioning was not the thing like they suppose,but they still continue to think so. as @白田龍
says ,yes, this have not prevented me to renounce. sometimes, I came even to a fake commencement point (someone may give harms to you because of their wrong suppositions) but such events did not change my mind. simply:

do not give up!
take a deep breath,smile and
continue to learn